Refined to the 10th degree

Earlier this week when looking for new headbands for my hair or lack of at a teenie bopper store, I had to try on the bands prior to the purchase. (Headbands are the "in" thing so I have been told. I have been going to the teenager stores in the mall to find them. The joke is that one clerk not long ago thought I was a college student. My mom and sister say that I mention that often. Hey why not, I am a 33 yo mom of 3 boys. A college student is looking good to me these days.) Anyway back to my story of a old mommy trying on headbands . . . I told the clerk sorry for "the bald head scar scare." She said it was Ok. Her mom had GBM brain cancer. I asked her how her mom is now. She said that she passed away. "I was sorry to hear that" was my response. Our conversation continued. After I asked permission to ask a personal question about her moms death she told me of how her body just shut down after a while and she was on hospice. Ok, that jolted me to think I might suffer a painful death in the near future. It was also a good reminder that any cancer brain or wherever can take over your whole body system. When I die, I want a quick death. Like I have any say in the matter. The more I think of it I don't know one person who would want to suffer a long painful death. I continue to struggle with the fact that as a young mom I do not want to leave this earth anytime soon. I love my life here on earth. I know that God loves my boys more than I could ever have it is just a difficult thought. I at one point I thought that I should possibly seek counsel on this. Dave and I discussed this at length on our Thursday eve date. The apostle Paul had a similar struggle of not leaving because his work was not done. Death is not natural. It wasn't the way God had intended. Knowing God is at work here and he is not done with me yet. I need to make the most of my time here NOW!

I have matured greatly over this ongoing trial. I didn't realize how immature I was in my faith and reliance on my holy God. It also has shown me that I really was living high on the hog latelywith no big concerns. I am convinced that not too many people in the United States truly know what suffering is. Some but not many. I also am thinking that my trial is not a huge suffering compared to other parts of the world. Prayer is so much more a part of my life. Scripture is alive. I have shared with you a little bit on the Daniel Bible study I am taking. Well, I only chose this study because of the video leader. Let me say I am being spanked with all the insight. Sorry, it is the only way I can best described my brokeness and how God is using this study to speak to me. Whoa, I have some maturing to do. I am listening that is for sure. Application, application, application. I am being refined to the 10th degree. I am sure there are more degrees to come. My bottom aka: heart & mind will be sore after this study is done. (you can laugh at this one!)

Every day I now have radiation at 9:30 am. On Tuesday it is at 1:15 pm.

Joe was discouraged during the later part of this week. His radiation burns are severe. His skin is raw. I ache to look at his burns. When bathing he can't even put a washcloth to it. Ouch! His shirt collar rubs on it to make it even worse. On a positive note, his eye looks good. As of Friday, he cannot open the right eye but whatever was placed below the eye is healing well. A little blood and bruising is all that I see. He has been eating more as well. Our conversation has been good. He finishes radiation I think 2 days before me. We both are counting down. I have 10 treatments left. I think he only has 8. I am glad he is my friend.

Thank you from my heart for praying for us. Dave and I would not be where we are without the faithful prayers of many. I know I have said it many times in the past few posts but it is worth repeating . . . pray for the 10:30 am oncologist visit Wednesday the 31st. I will have blood drawn prior to the visit. You and I both know this is a vitally important visit. It will shed some light on whether or not chemo should be taken 3 weeks after radiation. Dave and I have many questions to ask Dr. Linette. Please pray as the Lord leads. We can only ask that the Lord would guide this step as He has been so faithful to do thus far. Dave and I will hope to have some quiet time after Wednesday to make a sound decision. My mom is encouraging us to go away for the night at a hotel to pray and spend time together.

Have a great day! I am glad you are my friend too.