Sunday, February 11, 2007

Sickly & Fears

At our home Daddy, Stuart & Mommy have officially been marked as having colds. Stuart being the worst. Daddy did not get much sleep in San Francisco so in turn - it turned out to give his immune system a big hit once home. Carter woke up at 2:30 this morning with severe abdominal cramping. Mommy had sick patrol while Daddy slept. She did call the doctor's exchange due to the scare we had 3 Christmas' ago with possible appendicitis. Yes on actual Christmas day with Carter in the ER. No fun! It turns out that the cramping did subside after 1 and 1/2 hours. Thankfully! Today he is wild and wolly and full of fleas. (as my grandma would say) Mommy stomach is not well also. Oh well. I am grateful this did not come last week or the last few months.

On another note Facing the Giants movie was great! I laughed. I cried. It moved me Bob! (for those of you who watch Veggie Tales) No really it was a good movie. I did have some crying bouts thinking about how I do want to be alive for my boys while they are on the courts, fields, and musical concerts, etc in High School. I am their biggest fan! I was a little sad thinking about how I might not be here for them in their high school years. The fear of them not having me is heightened more at times then others. I try to continually bring it before the Lord. This is such a hard task. Not knowing the future is difficult. Dave was good to remind me that none of us know our future. Yes, that is true except I have something that is staring me in the face every day. My love for the boys is so deep even while they are extremely loud & laughing behind me while I am typing this. Cole is in the toy box with the lid shut (there is an opening big enough to breathe) he is shooting a play gun at Carter.

Cole mentioned to soccer Gram the other night while I was away about how Mommy might know what heaven is like before any of them. She did not know what to say. She was so taken back by that comment before bedtime.

Pray for my emotions. This load is sometimes too heavy to think about what could happen in the future. I realize that the Lord loves them more than me. I also do realize none of us know when we will die. This is the fear I am struggling with that makes me cry. I am praying for 50 years of cancer free. March 2 is the MRI. Pray for no sign of growth. Pray also that I don't live in fear from MRI to MRI. I need to live my life along with my family.

I need to go back to the song / scripture that Cole sung to me right after surgery on our walk together.
When I am afraid,
I will trust in You,
In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
Psalm 56:3 - 4a

Thank you for praying for my fears. kate

7 comments:

Nicole callan said...

Hey, Kate. One of the hardest things for me to admit as a mom was that Jesus loves them even more than I do!
I am sad for you as you consider leaving the boys "too early," but it's good to know that God has a plan. I hope that His plan for you is 50 years free of cancer!!
Nicole

Anonymous said...

Kate,

Sometimes the frankness of children (i.e. Cole's comment) is a little unnerving, isn't it?! I have to believe that, just like you, they re-process the situation in their minds on a regular basis as well...though certainly not with the understanding that you have!

I can't imagine how deep your emotional pain must be at times...but I am praying that it is replaced with emotions of joy as year after year you remain cancer-free!

Erika

boaprayerwarrior said...

Kate,
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. When we are at our weakest is when God is the strongest. I am praying and believing for a complete healing in your body.
Father, I come to you right now, in the name of our savior Jesus Christ. I curse this cancer in my sister's body, amen. I believe in your healing power, God. Your Holy Word says by his stripes we are healed. Lord, I am standing on this right now. You said if we believe on you and are saved that no weapon formed against us should prosper. Hallelujah! I just praise you right now, Jesus. You are the king of kings and the lord of lords. You heal the sick. Amen. You bring us the peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank you Lord for our salvation and the promise of everlasting life. Thank you, Lord, for healing Sister Kate's body. I am believing this and calling it into existence as though it were, as promised in your word, God. I am asking and believing in a healing. In Jesus' name. Amen and Amen.

Laura Joback said...

Hey, girl!
I teared up at work reading what Cole wrote and trying to fathom what it's like to be in your shoes, even for a moment. I think it's an impossibility to even grasp and iota of your load. Remember: your load is heavy, Jesus' is light. Praying that you can, even if it is every few MINUTES, repeatedly turn your heavy load on to his capable shoulders. In full support of you:
Laura and family. PS: "CHI-CHI-CHI-Chia!"

Marilyn McDonald said...

Dear Kate-
As I read your heartfelt words, I was reminded of the devotion we read last night in "Streams in the Desert." "As soon as the soles of the feet of the priests...shall rest in the waters...the waters shall be cut off." (Joshua 3:13)
The people were not to wait in their camps until the way was opened, they were to walk by faith. They were to break camp, pack up their goods, form in line to march, and move down to the very banks before the river would be opened. If they had come down to the edge of the river and then had stopped for the stream to divide before the stepped into it, they would have waited in vain. They must take one step into the water before the river would be cut off. We must learn to take God at His Word, and go striaght on in duty, although we see no way in which we can go forward. The reason we are so often balked by difficulties is that we expect to see them removed before we try to pass through them. If we would move straight on in faith, the path would be opened for us. We stand still, waiting for the obstacle to be removed, when we ought to go forward as if there were no obstacles. What a lesson Columbus gave to the world of persevereance in the face of tremendous difficulties! (And here follows a poem Millard and I remember from grade school, back when God was a boy...)

Behind him lay the gray Azores,
Behind the gates of Hercules;
Before him not the ghost of shores,
Before him only shoreless seas.
The good Mate said: "Now we must pray,
For lo! The very stars are gone.
Brave Admiral, speak, what shall I say?"
"Why, say, 'Sail on! sail on! and on!"

"My men grow mutinous day by day;
My men grow ghastly wan and weak!" The stout Mate thought of home; a spray
Of salt wave washed his swarthy cheek.
"What shall I say, brave Admiral, say,
If we sight naught but seas at dawn?"
"Why, you shall say at break of day,
'Sail on! sail on! sail on! and on!'"

They sailed. They sailed. Then spake the Mate:
"This made sea shows its teeth tonight.
He curls his life, he lies in wait,
With lifted teeth, as if to bite!
Brave Admiral, say but one good word;
What shall we do when hope is gone?"
The words leapt like a leaping sword:
"Sail on! sail on! sail on! and on!"

Then, pale and worn, he kept his deck
And peered through darkness. Ah! that night
Of all dark nights! And then a speck--
A light! A light! A light! A light!
It grew, a starlit flag unfurled!
It grew to be Time's burst of dawn.
He gained a world; he gave that world
Its grandest lesson: "On! sail on!"
--Joaquin Miller

Sail on, Kate! You are living with a credible threat, but God is greater than that threat, and He holds the future anyway. Sail on!
Love,
Marilyn

Anonymous said...

Wow, Marilyn! Sing it, Sister!! Thanks for your words to Kate, because they sure encouraged ME!

Dear Kate,
I wept as I read this post, trying to imagine the heaviness your heart feels. I have just written and deleted at least three sentences, trying to encourage you, and I finally thought: the best thing I can do is to tell you I am praying for you and each precious one in your family.
Somehow, God will use all of this in each of your lives, but I doubt that makes you feel better when you are fearful and so sad.

Lately, I've been all too aware that we can only see God's beautiful tapestry of our lives from the underneath side where all the knots and mess are. I'm praying that each moment you can choose to trust Him, knowing He's got a Masterpeice in the works, and it is You, Kate! (and Stuart, and Cole, and Carter, and Dave...and each of us who trust Him)

Anyway, I love you, and I hope you all are feeling healthier every day. I'll continue to read your blog as often as I can, and I will keep praying, Kate!
Tiffani Gibbs

Anonymous said...

Kate,

Just wanted to let you know that you continue in my prayers, dear sister. God loves your boys and God loves you.

Nancy Williams