Tuesday, December 26, 2006

I am scared!

I am scared!

Today was the dry run for the radiation which included some X rays & such. The hard mesh mask that was made during the simulation over a week ago was locked into place. It was very tight! It is so snug at my chin. Almost uncomfortable. I realize the whole point is not for me to move AT ALL - Well, that is a guarantee. I cannot even talk my mouth is so compressed. This is no fun! I am not liking the mask. If one was claustophobic it would not be for them.

I am not looking forward to the next 6 weeks. I definitely don't like my head being locked into place. If I need for them to stop the 15 minute treatment at any time I am to wave my hand. I asked them what do if I need to throw up. They simply stated for me to wave my hand.

I asked them about my right optic nerve and if it will be affected. It will receive some radiation. After doing some personal calculations, the right eye will get around 28% of the radiation that is within a safe zone. The left eye will also receive some radiation due to the nature of the IMRT machine. Pray for my vision along with a possibility of cataract issues.

Tonight at dinner I started crying. I am overwhelmed. Cole was so sweet - he said "You will be alright mommy."

Stress was heightened today by the mail order pharmacy. They confused my medication order that came last Monday. I received the Temodar & an anti nausea med. I assumed it was Zofran. (I am to take Zofran the 1st two days of treatment) At 4:30 pm today, I looked into the meds a little further to notice the anti nausea was the other one that I am to take for mild nausea later down the road. I had 30 minutes to try and resolve the problem before 5 o'clock rolled around. I ended up getting a scrip called into Walgreens for 2 tablets of Zofran at $15 per pill. UHC would not allow any further pills or a reduced rate since I have an outstanding scrip on Zofran. The Oregon based mail order company said they would resolve the issue & hopefully fed ex Zofran by tomorrow afternoon. The cost of the pills is not a big deal. Our co pay for doctors alone is $30. Oh well. Money is just not an issue in light of everything going on. I am learning to rely on God for every one of our needs. Big and small.

My first two days are to look as follows:

Wake up & take Zofran with other meds (folic acid & multi vitamin) - Wait 1 hour

Take 140 mg Temodar - Wait 1 hour

Eat a light breakfast

Arrive for radiation at 10 am (usually lasts 15 minutes)

After the 1st two days no Zofran should be needed. I will then use the other anti nasuea med for mild nausea. (whatever that means)

Please pray for Dave & I. Tonight at the dinner hour we seemed to be short fused with the boys. It saddens me to be like that. We are just under so much stress. We need patience and kindness. Continue to pray for all the possible side effects of chemo & radiation. I also need a GREAT nights sleep. I am very tired!

To make light of the whole situation - I guess you could say . . . . I am scared stiff - literally. Kate


aj said...

Its been some time since writting last and Melissa, Joe and I are wanting you to know that we are praying for you.

Hang in there Sis
Your brother.

Marilyn McDonald said...

Dear Kate,
Here are some Scripture prayers from Beth Moore's "Praying God's Word" that speak to your fears tonight:

"I cry to You, Lord, in my trouble. Save me from my distress." (Ps. 107:13)

"I desire to dwell in the shelter of You, the Most High. I will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of You, Lord, 'You are my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" (Ps. 91:1-2)

"You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to You. Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to You, for You will answer me."(Ps. 86:5-7)

"You are always with me; You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but You, God, are the strength of my heart and my portion forever...But as for me, it is good to be near You, my God. I have made You, Sovereign Lord, my refuge; I will tell of all Your deed."(Ps. 73:23-26, 28)

"Mighty God, be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for You are my rock and my fortress." (Ps. 71:3)

"Lord, because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. My sould clings to You; Your right hand upholds me."(Ps. 63:7-8)

"I choose to cast my cares on You, Lord, and You will sustain me."(Ps. 55:22)

"God, You are my refuge and strebgth, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore, I will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging...I will be still and know You are God. You, Lord Almighty, are with me. You, God of Jacob, are my fortress." (Ps. 46:1-2, 10-11)

"You say to me Lord, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Your power may rest on me." (2 Cor. 12:9)

"You, O God, will never leave me. Never will You forsake me. (Heb. 13:5) You are the only absolute guarantee I have in all of life. Help me cling to the one thing I can never lose."

Praying that His peace will fill your heart so there is no room for fear,

Anonymous said...


My heart goes out to you. Know that you are constantly in my prayers, including when I wake during the night (and Rachel ran a fever and puked all night, so I got LOTS of praying in for you and her last night!!) Looks like another night of sickness is in store...rest assured that I will be praying for you off and on all night from my (uncomfortable) nest of blankets on the floor by her bed.

Covering you in prayer,
Erika, for us all

Anonymous said...

Dear Kate,
"O Lord, You have searched me and You know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me....Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast." (Psalm 139:1-10)....."Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GAURD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS." (Philippians 4:6-7)

I am praying these verses fervently for you tonight. My heart cries out to God to give you peace and comfort in the darkness. You are not defeated, Kate! God IS with you. I'm also praying that your time with your boys will be sweet in the morning, and your guilt about being short with them tonight will be lifted. (You are right--the stress and apprehension you're feeling can make you edgy!)

Know that I (and countless others) will be boldly approaching the throne of Grace with "Kate" on our lips and hearts--tonight and all day tomorrow.
Love, Tiffani Gibbs

Anonymous said...

Dear Kate,

I can only imagine the fear and uncertainty that you are feeling right now. I know the road ahead seems frightening and unfamiliar, but know that the Lord is going before you. He is holding you (and Dave) close as He walks along with you. I pray that you will feel His presence as you go through your radiation tomorrow. Know that you are in the hearts and prayers of so many people and remember that God has no intention of abandoning you ("I will never leave you, or forsake you"). We will all be praying for you in the days and weeks to come.

Rob, Amy, Griffin and Molly