Saturday, January 27, 2007

Refined to the 10th degree

Earlier this week when looking for new headbands for my hair or lack of at a teenie bopper store, I had to try on the bands prior to the purchase. (Headbands are the "in" thing so I have been told. I have been going to the teenager stores in the mall to find them. The joke is that one clerk not long ago thought I was a college student. My mom and sister say that I mention that often. Hey why not, I am a 33 yo mom of 3 boys. A college student is looking good to me these days.) Anyway back to my story of a old mommy trying on headbands . . . I told the clerk sorry for "the bald head scar scare." She said it was Ok. Her mom had GBM brain cancer. I asked her how her mom is now. She said that she passed away. "I was sorry to hear that" was my response. Our conversation continued. After I asked permission to ask a personal question about her moms death she told me of how her body just shut down after a while and she was on hospice. Ok, that jolted me to think I might suffer a painful death in the near future. It was also a good reminder that any cancer brain or wherever can take over your whole body system. When I die, I want a quick death. Like I have any say in the matter. The more I think of it I don't know one person who would want to suffer a long painful death. I continue to struggle with the fact that as a young mom I do not want to leave this earth anytime soon. I love my life here on earth. I know that God loves my boys more than I could ever have it is just a difficult thought. I at one point I thought that I should possibly seek counsel on this. Dave and I discussed this at length on our Thursday eve date. The apostle Paul had a similar struggle of not leaving because his work was not done. Death is not natural. It wasn't the way God had intended. Knowing God is at work here and he is not done with me yet. I need to make the most of my time here NOW!

I have matured greatly over this ongoing trial. I didn't realize how immature I was in my faith and reliance on my holy God. It also has shown me that I really was living high on the hog latelywith no big concerns. I am convinced that not too many people in the United States truly know what suffering is. Some but not many. I also am thinking that my trial is not a huge suffering compared to other parts of the world. Prayer is so much more a part of my life. Scripture is alive. I have shared with you a little bit on the Daniel Bible study I am taking. Well, I only chose this study because of the video leader. Let me say I am being spanked with all the insight. Sorry, it is the only way I can best described my brokeness and how God is using this study to speak to me. Whoa, I have some maturing to do. I am listening that is for sure. Application, application, application. I am being refined to the 10th degree. I am sure there are more degrees to come. My bottom aka: heart & mind will be sore after this study is done. (you can laugh at this one!)

Every day I now have radiation at 9:30 am. On Tuesday it is at 1:15 pm.

Joe was discouraged during the later part of this week. His radiation burns are severe. His skin is raw. I ache to look at his burns. When bathing he can't even put a washcloth to it. Ouch! His shirt collar rubs on it to make it even worse. On a positive note, his eye looks good. As of Friday, he cannot open the right eye but whatever was placed below the eye is healing well. A little blood and bruising is all that I see. He has been eating more as well. Our conversation has been good. He finishes radiation I think 2 days before me. We both are counting down. I have 10 treatments left. I think he only has 8. I am glad he is my friend.

Thank you from my heart for praying for us. Dave and I would not be where we are without the faithful prayers of many. I know I have said it many times in the past few posts but it is worth repeating . . . pray for the 10:30 am oncologist visit Wednesday the 31st. I will have blood drawn prior to the visit. You and I both know this is a vitally important visit. It will shed some light on whether or not chemo should be taken 3 weeks after radiation. Dave and I have many questions to ask Dr. Linette. Please pray as the Lord leads. We can only ask that the Lord would guide this step as He has been so faithful to do thus far. Dave and I will hope to have some quiet time after Wednesday to make a sound decision. My mom is encouraging us to go away for the night at a hotel to pray and spend time together.

Have a great day! I am glad you are my friend too.


Anonymous said...

The Lord will guide you and lead both you and the doctors to do what is right for "your" body. All cancers, brain cancers are different. You cannot look at yours the same as anyone elses.
You have a wonderful outlook and God is using you in powerful ways. I will continue to pray for you and the decisions that lie ahead.
Bless you and your entire family,

aunt dee dee said...

i think grams needs to use her massage gift certificate soon.

Anonymous said...

These are the cutest must take a look. You have our prayers for Wed. We thank God for you and how he is using you in our lives, too!
April C

Anonymous said...

Kate, I hear you pain in not wanting to leave your boys....all of us do. I ache that you have this "reality" to deal with...what you said is so true...most Americans do not really know what suffering is...I am thanking God with you that you are a sponge, soaking up what God wants you to learn, seeing God in ways that most of us don't, humbling yourself to worship your creator.

As Tiffany G. often writes, it's a privilege to pray for you...thank you for sharing with us.

Michelle said...

I am about 4 weeks from being finished with the Daneil study, and I can whole heartedly agree with the "spanking"! Wow! It's been so pertinent in my life...God has used this to wake me up out of my sleep. Thank you for being helps us all to take a good, hard look at ourselves.
Love to you,

Anonymous said...

I received an e-mail today I think you would enjoy. I wish I could send you the pictures.

A teacher asked her class to list the 7 wonders of the world, this is the list:
1 Pyramids of Egypt
2 Grand Canyon
3 Empire State Building
4 Panama Canal
5 St. Peter's Bascilica
6 Great Wall of China
7 Taj Mahal

One girl could not finish her list she thought of too many things. The teacher asked her to share what she had so far and they would help her decide. Here is her list (with beautiful pictures)
1 to see.. a girl looking at a RED tulip
2 to hear..a funny man playing a banjo
3 to touch.. a puppy and a baby touching paw to hand
4 to taste..a girl 'sharing' an ice cream cone with a puppy
5 to feel..a mother playing with her infant
6 to laugh..a toddler dressed in a jester costume holding a baby dressed in a jester costume
7 to love.. a husband and wife

Then it says: some things in life we take for granted are truly wonderous!

Food for thought

Anonymous said...

I believe that it is natural to not want to leave this earth. In our humanness,this is all we know. We cannot fathom the life to come. The apostle Paul (or may be it was John....pregnancy brain attack LOL!) when he wrote about being taken up into heaven...said that he saw things that were unlawful for him to even right. ....He could not even describe what he had seen.....We cannot fathom what is to come.

I think like Paul is natural to not want to go to heaven before our "ministry is finished" with those we love. I know that I have that with my family. You are not alone!

Neither are you alone in not wanting to suffer a painful and long death. No one wants to experience that or to have their loved ones have to watch them go through it.

Your feelings are not unusual Kate!

You are loved and prayed for....even way out here in the PNW!