Sunday, March 18, 2007

The Tenderness of Cole

"When is Mommy going to be done with treatment?" That was the start of many questions Cole had last night after I went to bed.

Last night Cole really wanted me to read Prince Caspian from the Chronicles of Narnia series by C.S. Lewis. It has been delightful going through the series and sharing in the experience. The discussion of the characters and their roles have been meaningful. This is something I started doing just with the older two boys since brain surgery. I treasure the "lap time" with them. Unfortunately I was exhausted last night by the time 8 o'clock rolled around. I told Cole I was sorry that I needed some rest and promised to read it tomorrow. After explaining that sometimes I will need to have extra rest now and then due to everything going on with cancer.

After I prayed with Cole and kissed him goodnight Dave came in to pray with him. He asked Dave "When is Mommy going to be done with treatment?" Daves response was that Mommy is done with radiation. Cole asked "When will Mommy be done taking medicine?" Dave told him that I would have to take it for a long long time.

Fifteen minutes or so later Cole came downstairs and told Dave he couldn't fall asleep due to "bad dreams". He asked Dave "Is Mommy going to die from cancer?" Dave gently told him that all of us die at one time we don't know when we are to die only God knows. He also encouraged him that we know that God is in control of every aspect of Mommys health. We are praying that God will heal Mommy.

They went upstairs to finish the discussion in Coles room tucked him in and pray. Dave told him that Mommy went to the doctor this week because a picture was taken of her brain (MRI). The picture showed no signs of cancer. Cole wanted to pray. His sweet prayerwas as follows;

"I pray that Mommy's cancer never returns and that she lives to see her grandsons." He was tearful while he said this - the first time he has cried openly since this trial began for our family.

After hearing of Cole and his tender heart I cried this morning. I have been struggling emotionally with the unknowns of my cancer. Last night after tucking the boys in I was feeling a little blue. I am impatient and want to know what the future holds - only if it is positive mind you. My heart hurts because my boys hearts are hurting. Even Carter this morning during breakfast preparation asked me if I was going to die from cancer. I truly am hurting emotionally for them. I am weary and broken and crying more often.

On a positive note: I need to depart from the blog. Purdue basketball is starting in a few. The boys already are dressed in their t shirts from last year to cheer on Daddys team! Their signs are made as well!



Jobacks said...

I was touched, too, by the sweetness and innocence of Cole's query about if you'll be around to hold your your 3 sons have ALL GIRLS! Well,...that would be a blessing, too! Praying for your sons' grasp on your health situation. We may not know what the future holds, but we know WHO holds the future. All of us who love you so are praying for the future to be one w/ you IN it (whether next week or next decade or 50 years from now). I can totally see you as a grandma tottering around, counting to twelve (or whatever it was) slowly and surely, making sure you remembered each and every teaspoon of flour in the ever-so-important Lava Cakes you'll bake every b-day for your boys and their kids. Bet you'll never forget that ingredient again! Love from our household!

The Endraskes said...


I'm feeling moved to share a little something God showed me a few weeks ago.

I had a friend over & we were looking at pictures from years ago. Do you remember the story of my nephew who died when he was 16 months, being hit by his dad's truck? Well, we were looking at pictures of little Brady and talking about how we don't know what the next moment holds for any of us and how much we need to treasure every day.

Now, don't get me wrong, that is still absolutely true - but what God spoke to me one night shortly thereafter was that, though that is true - we also don't know the BLESSING that is just around the next corner. The thing we're fretting & worrying about may be solved the next day - the blessing we wish for & ache for may come to us the next week.

As the Jobacks said in the previous post, though we do not know the future, we do know who HOLDS it and we serve a God who is faithful and loving and good.

You are always in our prayers.

- Kim & family

Anonymous said...

Such wisdom God has given you in tender moments only children can bring. We're amazed at your widom and patience throughout... both of you. Blessings on another family weekend together! Emily & Grant

Jobacks said...

Thinking more today about what Grandma Kate would look like...pondered that perhaps she would have (after this cancer saga) let her hair grow and grow and grow and grow and grow (...and grow...) once it started coming back in again. So in my mind's eye, Grandma Kate has hair down, well, about to her KNEES. She actually has to heft out of the way to bend over when she pulls LavaCakes out of the oven or when she has to pull up her Depends undergarment. When she puts her hair "up," it's WAY too long to wear in a typical bun, so she winds it around her head over and over like a gigantoid turban. You see, she vowed never to cut her hair (somewhat like Sampson) once it started coming back in after the radiation, though (unlike Sampson) it does not give her special powers (other than exceptionally loving all of her granddaughters). Hmmmm. Whaddya think? Laura Joback

Anonymous said...

Dear Kate,
You have a wonderful family and boys are so special. They will be around to take care of you for a long time and you to take care of them. Trust in God, He is control, you know this. Have fun in each day that the Lord gives you and look at the blessings that have occured because of these events. Your family has drawn closer, you have met many people and you have been able to witness to so many through this blog. What a testimony that is and says about you. In fact your whole family!
Chase and I have grown together through reading your blog as well as my sister. That says a lot. :-) We will continue to watch and pray for you and your family.
Chase's mom

Anonymous said...

Dear Kate,
Yet again, I could hardly see to read your post because of my tears. I struggle with the reality that precious, innocent children are forced to deal with such painful things (this hits me close to home, as you know). Yet our God loves them more than WE do--somehow, and He is working out His plans for their best interest.
In that fact I am repeatedly having to choose to rest. He sees the big picture, and we do not....

All that to say, I am praying for your sweet boys, and for your breaking heart.
Love you, Tiffani G