"When is Mommy going to be done with treatment?" That was the start of many questions Cole had last night after I went to bed.
Last night Cole really wanted me to read Prince Caspian from the Chronicles of Narnia series by C.S. Lewis. It has been delightful going through the series and sharing in the experience. The discussion of the characters and their roles have been meaningful. This is something I started doing just with the older two boys since brain surgery. I treasure the "lap time" with them. Unfortunately I was exhausted last night by the time 8 o'clock rolled around. I told Cole I was sorry that I needed some rest and promised to read it tomorrow. After explaining that sometimes I will need to have extra rest now and then due to everything going on with cancer.
After I prayed with Cole and kissed him goodnight Dave came in to pray with him. He asked Dave "When is Mommy going to be done with treatment?" Daves response was that Mommy is done with radiation. Cole asked "When will Mommy be done taking medicine?" Dave told him that I would have to take it for a long long time.
Fifteen minutes or so later Cole came downstairs and told Dave he couldn't fall asleep due to "bad dreams". He asked Dave "Is Mommy going to die from cancer?" Dave gently told him that all of us die at one time we don't know when we are to die only God knows. He also encouraged him that we know that God is in control of every aspect of Mommys health. We are praying that God will heal Mommy.
They went upstairs to finish the discussion in Coles room tucked him in and pray. Dave told him that Mommy went to the doctor this week because a picture was taken of her brain (MRI). The picture showed no signs of cancer. Cole wanted to pray. His sweet prayerwas as follows;
"I pray that Mommy's cancer never returns and that she lives to see her grandsons." He was tearful while he said this - the first time he has cried openly since this trial began for our family.
After hearing of Cole and his tender heart I cried this morning. I have been struggling emotionally with the unknowns of my cancer. Last night after tucking the boys in I was feeling a little blue. I am impatient and want to know what the future holds - only if it is positive mind you. My heart hurts because my boys hearts are hurting. Even Carter this morning during breakfast preparation asked me if I was going to die from cancer. I truly am hurting emotionally for them. I am weary and broken and crying more often.
On a positive note: I need to depart from the blog. Purdue basketball is starting in a few. The boys already are dressed in their t shirts from last year to cheer on Daddys team! Their signs are made as well!