Consultation with Dr. Needles

Today at 12:30 I will be consulting / interviewing Dr. Burton Needles. I have my multitude of questions ready for him. I am more and more desiring a closer oncologist due to the fact that this week MODOT officially decided that they are going to close down a certain section of hwy 40 for a whole year! What a headache for those needing to travel hwy. 40. The effects of the shut down will be felt all over the area due to people finding different routes. Pray that if Dr. Needles is not the one for it to be evident. I have other doctors that I will interview if he does not work out. One of them being my dad's oncologist. He has multiple myeloma (bone cancer).

Hair is still detaching from my head. I think it is less than last week so that is great!

Thankful for the rain today. Hopefully I won't be running around like a mad woman at least for this Thursday. Both boys have baseball practice at two different locations and times. I do have two more appointments after Dr. Needles. One for me and one for Cole.

Tomorrow officially starts spring break for the older boys. They made their spring break wish list of things they want to do in the area. We will be go-carting due to the fact that was #1 on both of their lists. We are also going to see a DEA friend of ours at his work downtown. The boys are estatic about this one. He is a drug detective! Way cool! Bass Pro Shop was one as well. Am I a mother of boys or what? Lovin' it! The list goes on. I will be keeping the list in their keepsake boxes. I loved seeing their desires along with how they spelled them. So precious.

The Kiss and Neckhug

Just wanted to update you on Cole. I forgot to mention it in the last blog post what he did last night while I was praying with him. He had a great Monday at school! Routine is good for him. In the evening he played catch with Dad in the backyard. I think he was in the teens without dropping the baseball. Go Cole! He would turn to see if I was looking while I was pushing Stuart on the swing. Settling in for the evening upstairs in his room I was prompted to pray for the inward qualities that make him very special. I thanked the Lord for Cole's sweet heart, a good friend to others and loving to Mommy during spur of the moment times. After the Mommy loving part he interupted my prayer to give me a big kiss and hug around my neck. I am thankful for that affection. It carried me through the whole night and on throughout my day today. I am trying to figure out Cole's love language and affirm him. Carter is pretty easy to read for the most part. Cole is more like his Dad - introverted and processes many things prior to expressing them.

All in all I think Cole is doing well. Continue to pray for all our boys transition into having a Mom with brain cancer. Everyone is uniquely affected. It is maturing each one of us.

Growth is good just not with cancer.

Silver Lining

There is a silver lining in having brain cancer. My pants / shorts size used to be a 14 then on good weeks a 12. I am now officially a 12. I even bought some size 12 shorts last week and they were too big! I did keep some in hopes that the dryer would shrink the waist a little. Could it be when I exercise this spring and do my normal field trip mommy duty this summer that I will be a 10? I have never been a 10 not even in grade school. Well maybe I was a 10 in grade school but I sure don't remember it. It was the Dairy Delight cheese fries in high school that help the waist line increase no doubt. And hot fudge sundaes to boot. Oh to be young again. Shame on Dairy Delight being that close to the high school. No self control - what have I told you about me?

Even though the emotional roller coaster was huge this past weekend (possible more lows to come) God has not left my side. In fact He is making himself known even more. My faith is being strengthened. My Bible study this week was on prayer. More specifically Daniel 9 and his prayer. Did you know that Daniel took time to pray at least 3 times a day. Not saying mealtime prayers. Daniel knew that God desires a relationship. That is two way communication. The Bible is for God to communicate to us and we pray in response. It is like a phone - have you dialed lately? He is on hold waiting for you. I have had some sweet times in prayer the past 2 days. I am so thankful for my deepening relationship with the Lord. I have even begun a list of God's mighty acts in the past both in Scripture and in my life. I actually have more on Jesus thus far. It is encouraging my heart to see this list. I am glad I am His child.

The quote from Beth Moore study I want to leave with you this evening . . .

"If you feel that your prayers matter little, if any, can you accept the bibical truth that God can be trusted when our human reasoning often cannot? Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Prov. 3:5)! He knows you by name, and He recognizes your voice. Whatever you do, Dear One, don't stop praying. Heaven is affected even when you don't see answers on Earth."

I am most in awe about the following scripture in regards to our requests before the Lord;

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD Psalm 139:4

"He hears and acts because of His great mercy - a mercy greater than our sin."
Thankful that God does more than just care for me!

The Tenderness of Cole

"When is Mommy going to be done with treatment?" That was the start of many questions Cole had last night after I went to bed.

Last night Cole really wanted me to read Prince Caspian from the Chronicles of Narnia series by C.S. Lewis. It has been delightful going through the series and sharing in the experience. The discussion of the characters and their roles have been meaningful. This is something I started doing just with the older two boys since brain surgery. I treasure the "lap time" with them. Unfortunately I was exhausted last night by the time 8 o'clock rolled around. I told Cole I was sorry that I needed some rest and promised to read it tomorrow. After explaining that sometimes I will need to have extra rest now and then due to everything going on with cancer.

After I prayed with Cole and kissed him goodnight Dave came in to pray with him. He asked Dave "When is Mommy going to be done with treatment?" Daves response was that Mommy is done with radiation. Cole asked "When will Mommy be done taking medicine?" Dave told him that I would have to take it for a long long time.

Fifteen minutes or so later Cole came downstairs and told Dave he couldn't fall asleep due to "bad dreams". He asked Dave "Is Mommy going to die from cancer?" Dave gently told him that all of us die at one time we don't know when we are to die only God knows. He also encouraged him that we know that God is in control of every aspect of Mommys health. We are praying that God will heal Mommy.

They went upstairs to finish the discussion in Coles room tucked him in and pray. Dave told him that Mommy went to the doctor this week because a picture was taken of her brain (MRI). The picture showed no signs of cancer. Cole wanted to pray. His sweet prayerwas as follows;

"I pray that Mommy's cancer never returns and that she lives to see her grandsons." He was tearful while he said this - the first time he has cried openly since this trial began for our family.

After hearing of Cole and his tender heart I cried this morning. I have been struggling emotionally with the unknowns of my cancer. Last night after tucking the boys in I was feeling a little blue. I am impatient and want to know what the future holds - only if it is positive mind you. My heart hurts because my boys hearts are hurting. Even Carter this morning during breakfast preparation asked me if I was going to die from cancer. I truly am hurting emotionally for them. I am weary and broken and crying more often.

On a positive note: I need to depart from the blog. Purdue basketball is starting in a few. The boys already are dressed in their t shirts from last year to cheer on Daddys team! Their signs are made as well!

Go PURDUE!

Home and Well

The procedure went smoothly. I was home by 2:15 and just woke from my nap. My snack tasted oh so good. In the waiting area my heart was touched by the thoughts of November 7. The front desk lady said she had remembered Dave and the large group of people. After asking him he told me the area where everyone was gathered to pray and wait. I was crying out of sweet rememberance of God's mercy and love for me on that day. It is amazing that I had surgery on my brain not long ago. Almost too amazing!

Out Patient Procedure Today

Dave late last night thought it would be a good idea to let the bloggers know about my day today. I told him I thought it wasn't necessary since it is not anything big. Well after thinking about it he is probably the more wise one in the household. Prayer is always a great thing.

Today at 11 am I am having an out patient procedure done at St Johns Hospital. It is very minor. I should be done with the actual procedure in less than 15 minutes. Not at all related to cancer. It was something that I was going to have done last fall prior to finding out about brain cancer and was put on hold due to the urgency of brain cancer. The great thing about it is that it is free! We have met our deductible and the maximum other 20% portion that is our responsiblity for the year. Just a doctors co pay is what this will cost. Dave and I are to arrive at 9 am for pre op. Pray that this is an easy non complicated procedure. I should be released sometime after 3 pm. I was going to have this procedure done at an out patient low key facility but due to being a high risk patient it was wise to have certain doctors on call and close expecially neurosurgeon, Dr. Forget. I will be tired for the weekend due to the anesthesia. The biggest kicker is that I couldn't have anything to eat or drink after midnight last night. I am going to be one hungry chick after the procedure. Dave might need to make a Bread Co. run off Ballas. Pray also for Dave he was asking details about the location and thoughts of the brain surgery came to mind. Reminders are sure to come.

After 5 o'clock

Don't you know that when 5 o'clock hits one of your children needs to see a doctor. That was the case yesterday evening. Stuart woke from his nap a little crabby. It continued to worsen as the hours went past. I thought he was exhausted from spending the morning with his little friend Caleb. Once outside in our backyard he was crying a lot and holding his right ear saying my ear hurts, my ear hurts. I proceeded to take him upstairs hoping a bubble bath would cheer him up. That didn't work. I gave him some tylenol to tide him over till I called the exchange. By this time it was 5:45 pm. The doctor on call told me to go to an urgent care to have him looked at. She informed me of a pediatric urgent care fairly close to our home in the Chesterfield area. After I had some dinner he was seen by a doctor. He does have the beginnings of a right ear infection. She put some numbing drops in his ear to help with the night. I filled his first official antibiotic since he has been born. The other scrips were for conjunctivitis. He has been somewhat of a healthy boy. I am very thankful. The odd thing about all of this is that the cold he has had wasn't that bad. It threw me for a loop due to the fact that the drainage wasn't severe - at least I didn't think severe enough for a ear infection to take place. I am so glad I took him in.

I forgot to mention in my last blog a few items. Joe was concerned about his vision. The surgery he had on his right eye was his "good eye". His left eye is not well. He is concerned that if the right eye doesn't heal he could be considered legally blind. Pray for his vision.

After asking Dr. Simpson about my hair regrowth he stated that June might be too early to see any growth. He said it most likely will be in September. I know he originally stated June or I would not have that set in my mind. Oh well hair or no hair I am alive and feel fairly good.

To clarify my brain cancer and the possible outcome - Dr. Linette stated that the cancer statistic (emphasis mine) is that a person will live up to 4 years. I misunderstood and wrote previously that the cancer growth might not return till about 4 years with the Temodar. Dave straightened me out yesterday. I guess I am going to look at it as if I live past 4 years that will be "icing on the cake". I will have to take my concerns day by day to God. It is my only choice. Pray for encouragement in my heart. I still claim that God is mighty, bigger and greater than this brain cancer.

Off to the dentist this morning then tomorrow to see more medical staff of another sort for the day. Never lacking in the medical arena any more. I was laughing while filling out a medical history form. The question was - How many doctors I have seen in the past year? It was at least up to seven from OBgyn to cancer. I am well represented.

Further Explanation of MRI

Today was a big visit at Siteman Cancer Center. Dr. Linette further explained the MRI thinking there is no reason for concern. He is wanting me to have another MRI in a month to be on top of the growth if it is to return this quick. He said it has been known to return this fast in about 5% of patients. Dr. Linette is fine with me not taking the Temodar till necessary. I will have my next MRI on Wednesday, April 11 at 8 am followed by bloodwork then see him afterwards with the results. He will read it himself prior to the official reading from a Barnes radiologist. Dr. Linette said he is very good at reading the scans and is 80% accurate with what the radiologist would write. After the April MRI Dr. Linette wants a scan in June then every 3 months indefinitely. I was a little shocked to hear that it will be for the rest of my life. Relieved though that he really wants to stay on top of the cancer growth. We are looking at meeting our deductible with no problem every year.

Dr. Linette understood why we might be looking into an oncologist closer to home and Dave's work. He said that Dr. Needles is a fine doctor and that we have his blessing if we decide to switch over. Pray for wisdom. As for now I will see Dr. Needles next Thursday and discuss it further with Dave. Siteman has me trained so well with all their procedures.

Dr. Simpson was his same old self. He wasn't concerned with the eye ache and didn't think it was related to the RT. He said people get headaches all the time it is normal. I did ask him if a person is to go blind from RT what does that entail. He said he is not concerned with that as well since my eyebrows are still intact. The gamma rays that hit close to the eye area were minimal. I am thankful for that answer. I am still concerned why I am having infrequent head/eye aches. He also asked about the chemo wondering if I will be taking it. He was all in favor of me waiting till the growth returns and mentioned a certain study coming out about if there are any benefits to cancer patients who take the chemo right after RT with no growth visible. I was intrigued. Will see Dr. Simpson again in September for my next follow up.

I almost forgot . . . Guess who I saw today in the waiting area down at radiation? Joe! That's right Joe. I was thrilled to see him. I hadn't spoken to him since he completed RT. He looks great! He said he feels pretty good except for being nauseated in the morning. I told him his burns are healing very well. He did say he is eating well. Joe took some time to speak with Dave. He hasn't yet been home. He is living with his neice. The funeral for his wife has yet to be scheduled. He did cry in front of Dave talking about her and meeting me during his rough time at Siteman. It was so good for my heart to see him today. God did that for me. It was not a concidence.

As for Carter last night the conversation went well talking about Mrs. Cornwell. His only concern was how she died. Was she in pain or did she just fall asleep? I did tell him she was in pain from what I knew but now she is not. She is in the arms of Jesus. He was Ok with it all. His prayer for Mr. Cornwell and Natalie was truly precious. I wish it was recorded.

Words to Say to Carter

Today in Bible study I was informed that Sue passed away. She was the lady I wrote about a while back with 10 tumors alone in the brain and her cancer originated in her uterus. Last week she was given 3 weeks - 3 months to live after finding out it had traveled to her bones. She literally found out she had cancer a little over 4 weeks ago.

Carter has been praying for her every night along with Bob from the Houston airplane ride, Joe from Siteman (he says Mr. Bob & Mr. Bennett) and me. He has been so faithful to lift every one of these precious people to Jesus. Pray for me as I need to inform him of Mrs. Cornwell. I think I will use the analogy of trials and how there are three basic scenarios. I think I shared this with you some time ago but it is worth repeating. We all need a good reminder when it comes to major life trials and heartache.

1. We can be delivered from the fire.
Dividend? Our faith is built.
2. We can be delivered through the fire.
Dividend? Our faith is refined.
3. We can be delivered by the fire straight into His arms.
Dividend? Our faith is perfected.

Praising God Sue loved Jesus and is straight in His arms today. Pray for her husband Mark and three year daughter, Natalie.

Remember I am praying for #2. You can do the same. God is more than able.

Tomorrow I am to see Dr. Linette at 9:30 with the official reading of the MRI. Afterwards I am to see Dr. Simpson. At this time I will be telling Dr. Linette that I am looking to find an oncologist closer to home and Dave's work. I am presently looking at Dr. Needles who practices at St. Johns. Pray that my words are gentle and sincere. Dr. Linette is a fantastic, precise and genuine doctor. I only wish he was in west county. I have an appointment with Dr. Needles next Thursday at 12:30 to discuss many areas of my treatment.
On a funny note: Dr. Needles could be the doctor for me. Who can have a neurosurgeon of Dr. Forget (yes it is in french but it looks funny) and not have another with an odd name? Only Kate Snodgrass.

Kate Snodgrass Trust

In light of our current and future medical expenses, several people encouraged us to form a trust in case anyone wanted to make an anonymous donation. One of our banker friends set up the trust, free of charge, with the proper legal documents. We are very grateful for their help with this. If you are interested in making a donation, please make the check payable to the "Kate Snodgrass Trust" and send it to:

Kate Snodgrass Trust
c/o Champion Bank
Attn: Katie Edema
10552 Old Olive Street Road
St. Louis, MO 63141

Blessings,

Dave & Kate

Over Doing It

Yesterday the family birthday party was fun except for a few glitches. The first mishap was with the big surprise gift – the bike. We had a scavenger hunt planned outside for him to find it. Dave at 4:30 went out to where it was hidden between the neighbor homes to inflate the tires. Dave is my quality control man if you didn’t already guess. After Dave completed the back tire and waited a few seconds the tube inside exploded! Dave came into our home and found me upstairs putting on my makeup "We have a problem." He proceeded to explain how he aired the front first then the back tire. He waited and then a "shot gun" sound went off. His ears were awake by that point. I quickly asked what time it was and for him to get a different bike or figure out how to fix this issue. Dave quickly went to the bike shop to get the original bike that Cole wanted. There was one left and to my delight Dave talked them down in price. He is a man after my own heart. I even received a phone call to tell me he did just that. Love you Dave! You did good. We will return the red bike today or tomorrow. The hot yellow bike after the scavenger hunt!

The next two mishaps were in the kitchen. The garlic red potatoes were suppose to be done in 40 minutes. Not! I increased the temp to 400 and they finally were cooked after opening the presents. We did a reverse party of opening the presents first then eating. It’s called flexibility.
Onto the lava cakes - I waited to prepare them till after everyone ate dinner. Their tummies were settling and while having a good conversation – something about lupper dogs. Ask soccer Gram about her new business idea she got from a PBS documentary. Back to the cakes- I was happily at work in the kitchen doubling the recipe due to eight little cakes that needed to be made. All was well but when the 13 minutes were up the cakes were not set. Another two minutes – still not set. Two more minute, etc. Not set. Finally after so many extra minutes they ate hot chocolate soup of sorts with fresh rasberries and whip cream. I sat there while everyone was eating their soup and finally devised that I forgot to add the 12 tablespoons of flour. Oh well. I guess I was so engrossed with the lupper dog conversation that I wasn’t totally concentrating.

For the most part all were well in the Snodgrass home after the party. Cole went to bed content and happy. Mom went to bed with a severe eye ache. I actually went to bed immediately after they did. It had been hurting for some time during the day. Thank you Dave for cleaning up after the party. I was out of commission. At 3 am I woke with an intense headache behind my eye and at the right back base of my head. I took two Tylenol and woke up Dave. I was crying. My body was shaking – nerves I assume. I told him that I was scared. It hurt quite but not as bad as the headaches prior to brain surgery. I was debating in my mind whether or not I should be seen at the hospital. We decided to wait to see if the Tylenol would kick it. Thankfully it did.

I over did it yesterday. My eye was fatigued towards the end of the day. I am realizing I cannot do as much as I did in a days time. I have even noticed when I sing with Stuart in the morning the Praise Ye the Lord song. I cannot go up and down in fast motion. Carter has already told me he wants a football theme party in June with an obstacle course of sorts. Will need to pace myself for that day. The easier the better on June 5.

As odd times of fear creep in pray that I will not dwell on that fear and be able to give it over to Jesus. Also needing encouragement in my heart at those times. I am praising God that this cancer is so much bigger than me. It forces me to give it over and not hold on. Thankful that the Lord delights in me before I even give my fear over.

Birthday breakfast tradition of a candle with your pancake!

Birthday Lava Cakes

Cole is anticipating a fun evening tomorrow of opening presents. He has decided his birthday dinner to be fried chicken (also wanted fish but needed to choose just one), special gourmet shaped pasta, veggie tray that had to have broccoli and grape tomatoes, dilled red potatoes, leafy salad and for dessert - Lava Cakes with rasberries. He requested that they ooze really good. On Valentines day they didn't ooze like we had all liked them to. I will only bake them tomorrow for 13 minutes for that special request.

The family will love the lava cakes. I think Cole wants them to experience what we do on a normal love day.

Colossians 3:12

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved,

clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Colossians 3:12

The above verse spoke volumes to me on Sunday after I watched a DVD by Nancy Leigh DeMoss on the topic of forgiveness. I have had some personal things to deal with. (Some of you might think this cancer blog is extremely personal - Why yes it is!) My heart was prompted to act on a particular situation. It should have been done a long long time ago. I have been putting it off waiting for the right moment to seek forgiveness. I am thankful that cancer has humbled somewhat my pride. It is a process. I want to try and start each day with Colossians 3:12 in mind. I wrote it out on a sheet of paper and will put it on my bathroom mirror as a daily reminder. It can be used with parenting as well. You can hear a similar script online at http://www.familylife.com . Click on audio then past broadcasts. Once in past broadcast page type in March 2007 and Nancy Leigh DeMoss as speaker. I don't think you will be disappointed.
I have been having some mild headaches during the day. I think it is still a post surgery complication. The pain is most often in the same two locations. As for napping, today I took my first nap in about a week and actually fell asleep. Still having middle of night issues at 3 ish and waking at 5:30 ish. Hopefully the nap today will help for tonight.

Trying to clothe myself as in Colossians 3:12.

Fred Bird Pics

Thought you might enjoy some pics of "Red" bird (according to Stuart). We were able to see him last Saturday at our insurance agents open house. He was crazy as usual and it took Stuart a little getting used to. As you can see by the end Stuart really enjoyed it. I think Fredbird handing out mini baseballs had something to do with it.

Yum! Yum! Carter tastes good!

Cool Cole along with Cool Fredbird!

Some News

JoAnn did call at 6:20 pm with the reading of the MRI scan. She read the official notes. Basically the cavity is smaller and the rim around the cavity has brightness. Dave and I suspect that is due to radiation. Cavity is smaller due to swelling and the brightness is the radiation as well. JoAnn also thought that was the case. Radiation does play a vital role in this MRI. She stated the next one will be alot more informative. I think it will be in June. She did say that nothing is worse if so Dr. Linette would have called by now. I will get the official word on next Wednesday, March 14 from the doctor.

So I guess all is good. I will keep you informed on what he says on March 14.

For the record: I am not going crazy. My cell phone never recieved a call from the nurse yesterday. I looked closely this morning at the incoming missed calls and there was no record of her calling. Whew! Ok I could be crazy in other ways. I knew I would feel a buzz in my jeans. I have been known to jump when I feel the bee vibrating.

No News

Well I came home from Cole's party with a message on our machine from Jo Ann, nurse of Dr. Linette. She said she tried my cell phone with no answer. I had it in my pocket with the vibrating mode on. Not sure how I missed it. Anyway she said "The notes don't really say much. Call me in the morning. I will be in clinicals but will try to return your call." Basically if I don't get her early in the morning I will hear from her after 4pm. The answering machine was timed at 5:20 pm.

Mom with Cole eating his birthday cookie!

Cole had a great party. He was so happy! Great memories were made.

Getting Ready for Cole's Party

Today is a great day of looking forward to Cole's kid birthday party tomorrow. His official 7th birthday is next Sunday the 11th. We will have a family party next Saturday to celebrate him! I really cannot believe he is already seven. Time really does fly.

Tonight is the basketball awards ceremony. Our last game was yesterday. Carter scored 26 points! (How's that grandpa Johnson?) Mr. Hot shot also dribbled behind his back to trick the kid who was guarding him so closely. I was laughing. He has never dribbled behind his back in a game before. It made for good video footage. Cole is such a great defensive player. You cannot get past him too easily when you are trying to throw the ball in. He is so happy on the court. Cole feet are always moving. He almost is doing a jumpy dance of sorts. He is a delight to watch. Thank you to Corri and Uncle Tom for coming and cheering them on.

I will be busy as usual on Monday with school field day stuff and his party. I try to not do any "school stuff" on the weekends. That is family time.

Will then be at peace

I do hope the readers of this blog know that our family is very thorough in our quest for all medical needs. After conversing with another St. Louis doctor friend today she confirmed that many oncologist closer to our home are most likely just as intelligent as Dr. Linette. We will take time to consult, interview and make a final decision when the time is right. We are not ones to jump into any decision especially the possible change of oncologist. If Dave and I are one in this decision and we seek God's face then we will be at peace.

Results of the MRI will be called in to us on Monday by JoAnn, Dr. Linette's nurse.

Thank you for understanding our concerns with the overall burden of cancer. My words at times seem futile. I know I have stated previously that I am not the best of writers. Please know that my lack of humility is being refined as well during cancer. Be patient as I try to express the as best I can this journey.

Possible Change in Oncologist

Dave and I are discussing the option of changing oncologists to a site closer to home and his work. There are many reasons for this discussion.

It is expected that I will have an MRI and see an oncologist every 3 months for the next 5+ years. If my cancer returns or changes the doctor visits will increase as well.

1. Hwy 40 construction that is slated to begin soon and last for many years. Traffic will be quite heavy even if I took I-44.
2. Closer to home and Dave's work. Since Dave will continue coming to the MRI follow-up appointments it would be best if the doctor's office is closer to his work.
3. No parking fee at St. Johns or Mo Bap.
4. Less gas & vehicle expense.
5. Time away from home would be less as well.

Please pray for wisdom. I have discused this with one doctor friend last night. He said if I am not on any experimental regimen it probably would not make much difference. I will consult with one more doctor friend. We will not change over till we hear the results of the MRI. I will still see Dr. Linette on the 14th. Dr. Linette is a great and thorough oncologist. Dave mentioned that one option would be to make my appointments in the afternoon to avoid the morning rush. That is fine except since Dr. Linette is so thorough patients in the afternoon usually wait up to one hour past their appointment time to see him. We then see him for about an hour.

If the oncologist office is closer to home I could ask a friend to watch Stuart in the morning and be home in time for his nap. Yes, I realize this one is a minor issue.

Did speak with Deb, Dr. Simpson's nurse to ask his follow up protocol. Dr. Simpson usually sees his patients 6 weeks post radiation then usually 3 or 6 months post. It all depends if the patient is exhibiting any clinical symptoms like a headache.

I desire to have an oncologist that will follow me without taking the Temodar till absolutely necessary.

MRI Analogies & Police Chase

Traffic on 40 was not great down to Siteman. I guess this is only the beginning of the construction mess. The bloodwork and MRI went smoothly. For the first time the MRI machine shook my whole body at times. They also asked that I not open my eyes during the testing. Not sure what that was all about. All in all the scan took about 35+ minutes including the IV contrast. I didn't get to listen to my CD.

If you have never had an MRI is is unusual. I have heard some say it is like you are being rolled into a toilet paper tub with racket & click sounds at odd times. Another person described it as "I felt like I was a one-person audience for a really bad rock band---very strange noises and rhythms!" Very true. For me some of the sounds even with ear phones sounded like a jackhammer was right above my head. All I know is that some of the clicks made me jump. A little startling. I did ask the man running the MRI what they did when a patient cannot fit in the MRI. He stated that it has happened. Cramped quarters at times for some. A new machine is on its way to accomodate situations as such.

Another exciting part of my day was seeing a police chase. As I drove out of Siteman a man in a Carhardt type coat (tan color) was running along the sidewalk, across Kingshighway north, the median and over Kingshighway south with the police officer in pursuit. Quite exciting for a country gal like myself. Remember I grew up in the country. Honestly I have never seen a real chase. Just on TV. I was hoping to see the cop tackle him. My light turned green - - Bummer! A one point I thought of following the man and trying to wedge my van in front of him to stop him. After explaining to safety Dave the whole ordeal he said "That would not have been a good idea. The runner could sue." Duh! Isn't it good to marry someone who is wiser than you. I just have more of the adventurous spirit. Opposites attract.

Gotta Go! Tonight is movie night. The two older boys along with myself are going to the Veggie Tales premier of Moe and the Big Exit - A lesson in Followin' Directions. It is at a local church.

MRI and Police Chase - I couldn't ask for a better day!

Mind over Matter

Well last night I tossed and turned. I had to make myself lay in bed till at least 5:45. I thought I was at peace but my body is saying another thing. What is the saying? Mind over matter? That might not be the saying or it could be out of context. I am known to quote things and Dave laughs saying it was another word or for another context altogether. He is not in the room for me to ask.

I will leave the house at 7:30.

Short hair discouragement

I will have bloodwork at 8:30 am then my MRI at 9 tomorrow. Dr. Linette will see me on Wednesday, the 14th. Not sure of the time. It is written upstairs on the calendar. It is best he see me for clinical purposes.

Please pray for me. I am very discouraged about my short hair. I really don't like the way it looks on me. Thank you to the many who have said it is very becoming. I just don't like looking into the mirror seeing me in short hair. Don't get me wrong, I am glad I did cut it due to the fact that I would have been vasicilating. Should I cut it or should I not. I would have been going back and forth. No issue now. I just have to wait for it to grow. I was hoping today to give you an update that my hair is not falling out anymore. Sorry that is not the case. Still falling but possibly not as much. Can't tell.

Carter is back to sleep walking around the 10 o'clock hour. He goes to bed at 8. The pediatrician told me it comes in waves. The gate that was intended for Stuart at an early age is back. It is a great gate that the certain parts attach to the wall yet the main gate itself can be stored. We don't want an escapee. Carter is known to walk around the home. Never a dull moment.

Many Changes in a Day

Many things happen in a days time. Today JoAnn, Dr. Linette's nurse phoned to ask if I could switch my doctors appointment to Tuesday the 6th. I said no due to Bible study. She then said how about the 14th. I said I didn't want to wait that long to find out the results. I then proceeded to tell her that if the MRI is clear I will not be taking the chemo, Temodar. Dave and I have decided to do the "wait and see" approach. I did also tell her that if Dr. Linette is interested in what I am taking instead of the chemo to let me know. Dave and I would be happy to share the information. She said that she will call me on Monday with the MRI results. I then made an appointment for the 14th just in case Dr. Linette needs to see me. After making the appointment I thought "Hey that is silly to come in if the MRI is clean." I called JoAnn back and left a message asking if I really need to come in at all if he is not interested in what alternative treatment I am taking. Why pay $30 to say hi to Dr. Linette is my philosophy. I also asked if I could have my bloodwork drawn on Friday while I am down at Siteman. She was unable to return my call this afternoon. I hope to hear from her tomorrow with some answers. If you know me by now I am trying to save wherever I can. Co pays and gas in the vehicle are just some of those ways. I also will not see Dr. Simpson on the 7th. I will most likely see him at a later date. Possibly the 14th.

I will try to keep you posted once I am informed.

A good busyness

I just wanted to update you on some good stuff. I have been oh so busy planning field day for Covenant Christian School. It is my 4th year of being allowed to chair of the event. I guess they are satisfied with the planning. I do love planning it. Similar to planning parties. Field day is one big party. I don't love asking for volunteers. At times I fret on how and if enough people sign up to help. You would think that I would not fret after going through this cancer ordeal. God always provides. Field day has always had enough volunteers and really has been great. In the end it is always a delight to see it all come together. This year I am trying to get a inflatable obstacle course. It depends on some factors though. I am wanting the dad volunteers to be in competition at the end of field day. Won't that be a sight to see? I might even race one. Never mind it is decided I will race one - not Big G though. He is in too good of shape due to football training in the past. Friday, May 11 is going to be a blast for the students and myself. I am very very very thankful that I have a co chair this year. Laurie has been a HUGE answer to prayer. Huge! November is when the planning usually starts for me. Well, I guess that didn't happen. I felt I would not be able to adequately plan it in such short notice. God did provide in just the right time.

It has been good to be somewhat normal the past few weeks. Dave and I talked about how I cannot live in fear from one MRI to the next. I am truly at peace about Friday. Yes, I am thinking about the next MRI in June. I am curious. Just being honest.

Dave and I have been approached by many people who know someone going through brain cancer. Last Tuesday I was able to visit a woman in the hospital who has 10 brain tumors (not a typo), liver cancer and uterine. The doctors think it started in the uterus. Her and her husband just found out about 4 weeks ago due to her headaches. Aghhh! They have a daughter that is almost 3 they just adopted about 1 year ago. The brain tumors are inoperable stage 4. I do pray that I was of some encouragement to the husband. My words seem futile. Dave and I usually do not seek someone that we have heard about with cancer. We ask that they contact us and we are happy to talk about what we have been through and go from there. We know that we were not ready to seek out people at the beginning of our journey. It was almost too much to take in. Baby steps in the learning process.

I also have had multiple phone conversations with another St. Louis mom in her 30's who has a similar tumor like myself. She had a seizure at home then was air lifted to a hospital. Surgery was completed in November. She just completed radiation and is going to probably start chemo. She has Dr. Linette for her oncologist as well.

Friday, March 2 - 9 am MRI
Wednesday, March 7 - 8 am bloodwork
8:30 Dr. Linette to discuss results (MRI & bloodwork)
10 am Dr. Simpson

Oops! Do pray for Dave. The cold he had and then didn't have came back in full force. He feels miserable. I think 2 + weeks of a yucky cold is enough don't you? He is coughing which is good due to breaking up the stuff I guess.

Thank you for loving us through prayer!

MRI this Friday!

I can't believe that March is the end of this week. My MRI is scheduled for Friday, March 2 at 9am. Pray for a smooth MRI with all the racket noises along with the clicks. It usually lasts 35 minutes from what I remember. I will have contrast injected into my veins as well. The biggest prayer is that no growth has occured. The doctors don't expect to see anything at this MRI. It is considered a baseline MRI per Dr. Simpson, radiation oncologist. Dave & I will meet with Dr. Linette, oncologist & Dr. Simpson on Wednesday, March 7 to discuss the results of the MRI. It is then that we will need to decide what course of treatment to follow.

My hair is still coming out. It may seem like not a big deal but I am ready to not have hair all over the counter, shower, my clothes, etc. New growth is not to be expected till June sometime. Even then it will probably be not as thick. Sparse. Thinning.

Elephants and Self Control

This morning was a fun morning for Stuart and myself. I thought since St. Louis is having such great temps outside wouldn't it be great to take him to the zoo. I asked him right when he awoke if he would like to go. His comment was "I see elephants?" He loves elephants. Every time we read a book that has a picture of an elephant he always points it out. I cannot turn the page until I acknowledge the elephant. Driving to the zoo Stuart continually said "I see elephant. I see big elephant." I told him yes. Later thinking I hope the elephants are even out. Thankfully they were more than out. They were guarding the newborn elephant carefully. A bobcat (machine not animal) was working in their living quarters. The dad (I am assuming) was pacing, making loud noises, stomping his foot and throwing dirt plus hay on his back. When the baby elephant would move around all the four adult elephants would move with him. They were quite protective. It was great to see them. Stuart was making the elephant noises along with them. He loved it!

Since my last blog about the attributes of God and also the examples of burning the fake out of me I was thinking that I still have a long way to go for Him to get the fake out of me. So my conclusion is that I am going to live a long, long time. God is not finished with me yet. I say that partially jokingly yet hopeful. I am a slow learner.

I have made a resolution of sorts. Never been too good at them in the past. I decided if I can cut out as much sugar as I have I can grow fingernails. You may laugh but I truly think it is all about self control. Lacking in that category. My right hand is looking quite well. I only wish the resolution was made sooner. Tonight I have been invited to a spa pampering party. My nails are not able to have much pampering. I even bought my first nail file last week. (Throw that confetti.) It now resides in my purse like most normal women. I am actually exhibiting some self control.

Odd title of elephants and self control sorry it was all I could think of.

Attributes of God

I am so very thankful for my study of Daniel (Beth Moore) this spring. I have always known the story of the lions den but never in such depth. Bear with me as I try to explain what I am learning. I do not do it justice as my words seem futile. I have never been proficient with my words. Quite simple. I wish I payed more attention in English class in high school and college. Oh well, you get the country bumpkin version.

The video session I just completed this week was the lions den story. It showed how Daniel (about to be thrown into the den) reacted to the emergency situation. He prayed! Ok, there are 3 ways that Beth Moore describes how each of us can react in an emergency type situation.
1. We can panic.
2. We can become paralyzed.
3. We can pray.

Prayer does not come naturally. It is a relationship through Jesus that you would then talk to him. He desires us to be in relationship with him. He is waiting. I have to be honest. When I got the call from Dr. Sanders about the growth in my brain on November 1 and then driving to see Dr. Forget, neurosurgeon I did a panic prayer (if there is such a thing). I did #1 & #3. As I was thinking the session over yesterday I really wanted to find attributes of God written somewhere. He is love. I knew that due to the fact that it was his love that brought me through the darkest times. Many more came to mind but I wanted to share them with explanation to you today. Stick with me here. At the end I want you to read about fiery trials.
http://www.allaboutgod.com/attributes-of-god-2.htm

Attributes of God – The Meaning
"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us." So says A.W. Tozer in his classic book on the attributes of God, The Knowledge of the Holy. Why would he make such an extreme pronouncement? Tozer goes on to say, "Man’s spiritual history will positively demonstrate that no religion has ever been greater than its idea of God. Worship is pure or base as the worshipper entertains high or low thoughts of God." In our hearts we know the above is true. It is not enough to follow "god." That word has come to mean so many different things today that it actually means very little. If we just make up our own minds concerning what He is like, then we are just creating an idol in our heads.

Attributes of God – The Characteristics
Wisdom: "Wisdom is the ability to devise perfect ends and to achieve these ends by the most perfect means." In other words, God makes no mistakes. He is the Father who truly knows best, as Paul explains in Romans 11:33: "Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand His decisions and His ways!"

Infinitude: God knows no boundaries. He is without measure. This attribute by definition impacts all of the others. Since God is infinite, everything else about Him must also be infinite.

Sovereignty: This is "the attribute by which He rules His entire creation." It is the application of His other attributes of being all-knowing and all-powerful. It makes Him absolutely free to do what He knows to be best. God is in control of everything that happens. Man still has a free will, and is responsible for his choices in life.

Holiness: This is the attribute that sets God apart from all other created beings. It refers to His majesty and His perfect moral purity. There is absolutely no sin or evil thought in God at all. His holiness is the definition of that which is pure and righteous in all the universe. Wherever God has appeared, such as to Moses at the burning bush, that place becomes holy just for God having been there.

Trinity: Though the actual word is not used in the Bible, the truth of God revealing Himself in three persons is included. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are all called God, given worship as God, exist eternally, and are involved in doing things only God could do. Although, God reveals Himself in three persons, God is One and cannot be divided. All are involved completely whenever One of the Three is active.

Omniscience: "God possesses perfect knowledge and therefore has no need to learn. God has never learned and cannot learn." Omniscience means all-knowing. God knows everything, and His knowledge is infinite. It is impossible to hide anything from God.

Faithfulness: Everything that God has promised will come to pass. His faithfulness guarantees this fact. He does not lie. What He has said in the Bible about Himself is true. Jesus even said that He is the Truth. This is extremely important for the followers of Jesus because it is on His faithfulness that our hope of eternal life rests. He will honor His promise that our sins will be forgiven and that we will live forever with Him.

Love: Love is such an important part of God’s character that the apostle John wrote, "God is love." This means that God holds the well-being of others as His primary concern. For a full definition of love, read 1 Corinthians 13. To see love in action, study the life of Jesus. His sacrifice on the cross for the sins of others is the ultimate act of love. God’s love is not a love of emotion but of action. His love gives freely to the object of its affection, those who choose to follow His son Jesus.

Omnipotence: Literally this word means all-powerful. Since God is infinite and since He possesses power, He possesses infinite power. He does allow His creatures to have some power, but this in no way diminishes His own. "He expends no energy that must be replenished." When the Bible says God rested on the seventh day, it was to set an example for us and our need for rest, not because He was tired.

Self-existence: When Moses asked who he was talking to in the burning bush, God said, "I AM THE ONE WHO ALWAYS IS." God has no beginning or end. He just exists. Nothing else in all the universe is self-caused. Only God. In fact, if anything else had created Him, that thing would be God. This is a difficult concept for our minds since everything else we will ever encounter comes from something other than itself. The Bible says, "In the beginning, God." He was already there.

Self-sufficiency: The Bible says that God has life in Himself (see John 5:26). All other life in the universe is a gift from God. He has no needs and there is no way He can improve. To God, nothing else is necessary. He does not need our help with anything, but because of His grace and love, He allows us to be a part of advancing His plan on earth and being a blessing to others. We are the ones who change, but never God. He is self-sufficient.

Justice: The Bible says that God is just, but it is His character that defines what being just really is. He does not conform to some outside criteria. Being just brings moral equity to everyone. When there are evil acts, justice demands there be a penalty. Since God is perfect and has never done evil, no penalty would ever be necessary; however, because of His love, God paid the penalty for our evil deeds by going to the cross Himself. His justice needed to be satisfied, but He took care of it for all who will believe in Jesus.

Immutability: This simply means that God never changes. It is why the Bible says, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."

Mercy: "Mercy is the attribute of God which disposes Him to be actively compassionate." Since God’s justice is satisfied in Jesus, He is free to show mercy to all those who have chosen to follow Him. It will never end since it is a part of God’s nature. Mercy is the way He desires to relate to mankind, and He does so unless the person chooses to despise or ignore God at which time His justice becomes the prominent attribute.

Eternal: In some ways, this fact about God is similar to His self-existence. God always has been and will forever be, because God dwells in eternity. Time is His creation. It is why God can see the end from the beginning, and why He is never surprised by anything. If He were not eternal, God’s promise of eternal life for those who follow Jesus would have little value.

Goodness: "The goodness of God is that which disposes Him to be kind, cordial, benevolent, and full of good will toward men." This attribute of God is why He bestows all the blessing He does on His followers. God’s actions define what goodness is, and we can easily see it in the way Jesus related to the people around Him.

Gracious: God enjoys giving great gifts to those who love Him, even when they do not deserve it. Grace is the way we describe that inclination. Jesus Christ is the channel through which His grace moves. The Bible says, "The law was given by Moses, but grace and truth came by Jesus Christ."

Omnipresence: This theological term means "always present." Since God is infinite, His being knows no boundaries. So, clearly He is everywhere. This truth is taught throughout the Bible as the phrase "I am with you always" is repeated 22 times in both the Old and New Testaments. These were even Jesus’ words of assurance just after giving the challenge to His disciples to take His message to the entire world. This is certainly a comforting truth for all who follow Jesus.
By learning the attributes of God, you may praise God for who He really is and for how each of His attributes impacts your life in a positive way.

I loved giving you God's attributes. Isn't it wonderful. Just excited to share it with you.

Going backwards in my study I also wanted to share 3 different scenarios when people of God face a fiery trial. (Shadrach, Meshack & Abendego) I am in hopes that I am scenario B. Pray boldly with scripture for scenario B. 50 years to be exact. He is able.

A. We can be delivered from the fire. Dividend? Our faith is built.
B. We can be delivered through the fire. Dividend? Our faith is refined.
C. We can be delivered by the fire straight into His arms. Dividend? Our faith is perfected.

I do hope you see the love of God in all of this cancer trial. He loves you so much. I am living proof of his great love and concern. He has healed me. Not of cancer yet but of some long standing strongholds in my life. He is burning the fake out of me. Which is good very good.

Pray that I will be delivered from the lions mouth (cancer).

Brain Cancer is Expensive

If you've been following this blog for a while you realize that brain cancer is a life-changing experience. We've experienced physical suffering, roller-coaster emotions, spiritual testing, marital testing, parental testing, dependence on others for daily needs, mental challenges, and tough decisions. Now it's time to add another aspect to the brain cancer experience - the financial aspect.

Brain cancer isn't cheap. After insurance, we are still going to have to shell out several thousand dollars per year (deductibles, coinsurance, copayments, prescriptions, other uninsured medical expenses, etc), not including the additional costs of trying to maintain a healthy diet (it's really sad that we have to pay more to eat correctly).

The Lord has so richly blessed us and we know He will continue to do so. We received several monetary gifts that will take care of our portion of last year's medical expenses for Kate's surgery and hospital stay (Thank You and Praise God). However, our health insurance plan "resets" at the beginning of every calendar year, so now we are faced with a new set of bills from the radiation treatments and doctor visits. Also, Kate will require MRI scans every 3 months for years to come, of which we'll have to pick up most of the cost.

God isn't worried about these bills, so we shouldn't be either. We recognize that He owns everything in the universe, including what we think is "ours". However, we do know that He wants us to pray about our financial needs, and we ask that you would be praying for them as well. We'll keep you posted as to how God answers this need.

Praise God from Whom all Blessings Flow,

Dave

Everything is Meaningless

We've been studying the book of Ecclesiastes in church for the past few weeks and today was the final sermon. It's been several years since we last studied it. It's such a good book and it's truth smacks you in the face with what is really important in life. Something we regularly need to be reminded of.

If you're not familiar with it, the writer of the book of Ecclesiastes, King Solomon, considers what in life is meaningful and worthwhile, based on his own pursuits and observations. He considers education, pleasures, folly, work, achievement, advancement, and riches. He comes to the conclusion that the pursuit of these things, in and of themselves, is meaningless (vanity).

It seems that we spend so much time in life pursuing these things, like they really matter, only to realize that when we have them, they never really satisfied our deepest desires. Then, we perpetually want more and it becomes a vicious cycle.

What then is meaningful in life? The writer concludes:

"Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgement,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil." (Eccl. 12:13-14)

This book was a good reminder that we need to be living every aspect of our lives for the glory of God, through faith in Jesus Christ. Nothing else truly matters. Brain cancer has helped put that into focus.

We struggle with this at times but take comfort to know that the Lord guides and helps us along the way. Praise Him for His goodness.

Dave

Belief Tree

At the beginning of finding out that I had brain cancer I thought . . . "I am definitely not ready for this trial." I am not girded up. I was reading all the blog comments with Scripture that people were sending and knew without a doubt that I would not have been able to send such comments to someone in need. I also knew that I was somewhat like dry bones. I was on a downward spiral of a big complaining spirit. I even told some friends about how I was like dry bones. Fear is normal. What I continue to do with fear is a choice.

Last week a dear gal in my Bible study gave an excellent description on how we are like trees. The roots are what we believe, truth or lies. The trunk is our values or wants. Branches make up our decision. The fruit is displayed in our actions, emotions, attitudes and relationships. Hope it challenges you like it did me.

The roots of the tree represent what you believe. Your roots don’t determine your values but they do determine how you choose to pursue your values. What you believe about God, yourself, and others affect your values, decisions, and actions. You will either draw from truth or lies. Truth comes from God-the Author of life. Believing truth results in life.

Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness. Colossians 2:7
Lies come from believing Satan and the world. Satan tries to plant lies in your life through what you see, hear, and experience in the world.

…He (Satan) has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44
Believing lies causes you to doubt what God says. See Romans 1:28-29

Lies about God - Instead of believing that God is good, He cares for you, He desires a close relationship with you, and He loves you unconditionally, you might believe a lie regarding His character.

Lies about Yourself - Instead of believing God loves you and you are accepted by Him, you may believe lies such as you are unloved or a failure. You may believe the labels or input from the world…

Lies about Others - Everyone is loved by God and is valuable to Him. God’s desire is for you to love people and pray that His plan will be accomplished in their lives. However you may believes lies…they are inferior, out to get you, will never change, etc.

TRUNK

Why did you decide to do what you did? What motivates your decisions?
The branches on a tree are attached to the trunk. The trunk of the tree represents the values or wants. They typical values someone might have are to be loved, accepted, significant or safe. People are created with needs but they tend to value the ones they haven’t consistently received. What you deeply value or want influences what you decide. Your values or wants may not be evil but the way you seek to satisfy them can be. God created you and only He is able to provide what you truly want and need. But if you do not believe He can or will provide what you need, you will attempt to provide for yourself. …

Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. James 4:2-3 NLT

God has a better plan but you will miss out on it by trying to meet your own needs.
…Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, in an uninhabited salty land. Jeremiah 17:5-6

BRANCHES

The branches represent your decisions. Choosing to follow the Spirit or the flesh produces a crop. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

FRUIT

Using this analogy, your actions, emotions, attitudes, and the condition of your relationships are the fruit. People who believe what the Lord says are like a flourishing tree producing good fruit.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that send out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

If controlled by God’s Holy Spirit, your fruit will be good. (See Galatians 5:22-23)
If being controlled by your flesh, your fruit will be bad. (See Galatians 5:19-21)

Bad fruit includes:

• Negative actions (rage, addictions, sexual immorality, lying, profanity)
• Negative emotions (fear, anxiety, shame, unrelenting grief)
• Negative attitudes (complaining, unforgiveness, greed, prejudice)
• Negative relationships (abusive or broken)
  
  Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things. Philippians 4:8
  

What you believe determines how you behave.

Your life can be a fruit tree.

FYI - If you want to email us personally you can click on the profile and find our email link.

Under the pine

The snow has not fully melted which is great! The older boys did not have school today. After a fun morning at Chuck E Cheese (not one of my favorite places) we came home to put Stuart to bed. Gram came to stay at the house so I could take the boys sledding. It was so much fun! I haven't gone on the Missouri mini mini slopes since last year.

We went down some hills that Dave had taken them to previously. I then in my adventure to find a greater hill took the boys on a walk. We did find a better one that had a dip then went further down. There were some pines scattered among the dip. Cole went first then Carter snowboarded - Big Mama brought in the rear on the round orange sled. I went down quite fast turning backwards. Low and behold I ran into the pine. I was under the pine really. The boys didn't know if they could laugh. I was in shock so I didn't say anything for a long few seconds. Cole was concerned. He said "Mom . . . (long pause) are you ok?" I started to laugh. I couldn't believe I was stuck under the tree. They had to help me out due to my legs being up near my chest and the slick snow was hard to fanangle out of being the underside of the tree. Comical. It was good to laugh with them. Good memories!

Wanting lots more snow - kate

Lovin' being a mom

Tonight after a Valentine tradition by candle light of chocolate molten lava cakes, (chocolate oozes out like a volcano) real whip cream and rasberries Cole gave Carter a homemade valentine that he made at school and he also gave one to Dave and I. It was so precious to read what he put. I will be saving that one in his baby book. He cut out a heart for the middle then tie dyed a coffee filter to put in the hollow heart. The best part was seeing his handwriting and his thoughtful words.

Carter after kissing and tucking him in bed explianed that next year he wants to make a Valentine for me saying "You're a mom that can't be beat". He then said he would draw some boxing gloves on the front. I was so very touched by his boyish way of making a valentine. His neck is getting better. The doctor said that it is most likely a virus just watch out for a fever and a stiff neck. Glad to not take him in and pay a $30 co pay for just a virus.

Stuart is now officially in a big boy bed. His naps are a little shorter but he does sleep through the night so far. We are going on day 2.

I love being a mom. Their words and actions are the best. I wouldn't trade this job for the world. I am blessed to be able stay at home. The best Valentine present of all is being with my children and Dave.

I still take a nap every day. Dr. Simpson said that the effects of radiation will probably last 4 -6 weeks out. I also continue to wake at 5 am. I would like to wake at 6 when the actual alarm goes off. My head does ache at times but Dr. Forget (neurosurgeon) said that when my nerves are growing back together I will be feeling some sharp pains. It is to be expected. The burning sensation of radiation is inside as well.

The boys loved their lava cakes! It definitely is a great boy dessert. Volcanos - need I say more?
Kate

I Love You Day

Just wanted to share some love scripture to you as it speaks to me. It was His love to me that has carried me through my most darkest moments especially when I was in the pit.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

As a young man marries a maiden, so will your sons marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his brides, so will you God rejoice over you. Isaiah 62:5

The Lord appreared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness." Jeremiah 31:3

May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. 2 Thessalonians 2: 16 - 17

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved. And God raises us up with Christ and seated with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:4-7

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for] our sins. 1 John 4:10

No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. John 16:27

I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. John 17:23

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:16

We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19

May it bless your heart like it has blessed mine. Praise: Dave & I are feeling better. Stuart is still trying to get over his sickness. Pray for his healing. He is happy, eating well and sleeping though. Carter on the other hand has had a sore neck for a couple days. I think it is a virus that has settled in the neck. I will probably make a call to the peds office to see what to do if anything. He was up at 5:15 this morning.

Sickly & Fears

At our home Daddy, Stuart & Mommy have officially been marked as having colds. Stuart being the worst. Daddy did not get much sleep in San Francisco so in turn - it turned out to give his immune system a big hit once home. Carter woke up at 2:30 this morning with severe abdominal cramping. Mommy had sick patrol while Daddy slept. She did call the doctor's exchange due to the scare we had 3 Christmas' ago with possible appendicitis. Yes on actual Christmas day with Carter in the ER. No fun! It turns out that the cramping did subside after 1 and 1/2 hours. Thankfully! Today he is wild and wolly and full of fleas. (as my grandma would say) Mommy stomach is not well also. Oh well. I am grateful this did not come last week or the last few months.

On another note Facing the Giants movie was great! I laughed. I cried. It moved me Bob! (for those of you who watch Veggie Tales) No really it was a good movie. I did have some crying bouts thinking about how I do want to be alive for my boys while they are on the courts, fields, and musical concerts, etc in High School. I am their biggest fan! I was a little sad thinking about how I might not be here for them in their high school years. The fear of them not having me is heightened more at times then others. I try to continually bring it before the Lord. This is such a hard task. Not knowing the future is difficult. Dave was good to remind me that none of us know our future. Yes, that is true except I have something that is staring me in the face every day. My love for the boys is so deep even while they are extremely loud & laughing behind me while I am typing this. Cole is in the toy box with the lid shut (there is an opening big enough to breathe) he is shooting a play gun at Carter.

Cole mentioned to soccer Gram the other night while I was away about how Mommy might know what heaven is like before any of them. She did not know what to say. She was so taken back by that comment before bedtime.

Pray for my emotions. This load is sometimes too heavy to think about what could happen in the future. I realize that the Lord loves them more than me. I also do realize none of us know when we will die. This is the fear I am struggling with that makes me cry. I am praying for 50 years of cancer free. March 2 is the MRI. Pray for no sign of growth. Pray also that I don't live in fear from MRI to MRI. I need to live my life along with my family.

I need to go back to the song / scripture that Cole sung to me right after surgery on our walk together.

When I am afraid,

I will trust in You,

In God, whose word I praise,

in God I trust; I will not be afraid.

Psalm 56:3 - 4a

Thank you for praying for my fears. kate

All done!

Today is crazy hair day at Covenant Christian School. It makes for a very fun day. They don't have to wear uniforms and Friday is hot lunch day as well. Cole decided to wear boxers on his head yes underwear. Carter spiked his hair and we spayed it blue. The following picture shows crazy hair then scary hair (that's me). I still haven't been able to make light of the hair loss. I am not sure if I ever will. The older boys do not like to see it as well. Hair is still coming out. No jokes are had about the lack of hair at our home. I am ultra sensitive but very thankful of the hair I do have that covers the enormous bald area along with the stylish bands.

Tonight we plan on having movie night once more as tradition holds. Last Friday we watched The Miracle Worker the story of Helen Keller in black & white. Even little Stu watched intently till he was summoned to bed. Good discussions are had with great movies! Tonight we will watch Facing the Giants. It is a movie of a football team. I don't really know too much about it.

Dave called me as I was parking the van at Siteman. He was boarding his plane and wanted to say hi before I went in for treatment. It was soo good to speak with him. I did tell him of the boys picking out my last song to listen to at radiation. It was by Sarah Groves - It's Gonna be Alright. It made me cry this morning in the van. Cole wanted to know why I was wiping my eyes. I told them both it is because I love them so. This is just such an emotional journey.

Thanks for listening and laughing with me Kim and Jessica, radiation therapists.

Officially the mask is home. Glad to have one treatment phase behind us. Pray that we make wise decisions in the weeks ahead.

All done with radiation! Kate

Last Day of RT! ! !

Well it is official today is the last day of radiation! I am elated! God has been so good to me throughout this one stage in the game.
There are some things I would appreciate some prayer for today.

Praises first
* Fatigue was not too bad.
* Burns on head were only like a sunburn.
* Never had to take steroids!
* No flu had come to the house during the RT.
* Soccer Gram's availability to watch Stuart the whole 3 months of treatment stuff.

Pray

1. Sleep in the night for me. I am waking up around 3 am then 5 am prior to the alarm going off at 6. I am fatigued due to the sleep issues. Praise though I am not as fatigued as they had anticipated.

2. Stuart is not feeling well. He took a long nap yesterday till 4 pm then after being awake for some time he wanted to go to bed at 5:30 pm before he ate some dinner. He did eat. He also did sleep through the night last night. His voice is scratchy and you can see it in his eyes that he is not feeling his normal self.

3. Safety for Dave. He is returning home from San Francisco today.

thanks again - Kate

Said my goodbyes to Joe

Yesterday after my Tuesday radiation treatment I went to the Hope Lodge to say goodbye to Joe. His daughter was there with him. We sat in his room and talked. I told him of what a blessing he was to me during this journey. He helped to make the time go by quicker. We all cried about the yuck of cancer and the loss they have had with both moms / wives. I also told his daughter of the funny stories he shared with me. She was the one who had a boyfriend that could hot wire a car. I jokingly asked her why was she with such a guy? That can only mean bad news. She smiled and said she could hot wire the car as well. Ok, well now! Joe had taught all of his kids how to not just maintain a car but the ins and outs. Where was Joe today when I needed to get into my locked van? It was hysterical site. After the cop unlocked the door the alarm sounded and wouldn't go off until I pressed it seemed like a million buttons. The cop said I jumped quite high. I was also laughing because of the people who were staring. I loudly proclaimed "Yes, I locked my keys in my car."

I am laughing about using the radiation mask as a chia pet plant container. Maybe I should grow it for Dr. Simpson. Wouldn't that be a stitch? I am sure he is glad to not see me on a weekly basis. I will see him next on March 7 along with Dr. Linette. Dr. Simpson wanted me to come at a later date but I told him my life does not revolve around Siteman Cancer Center.

Kate

Lacrimal duct to be restored

After seeing Dr. Simpson, radiation oncologist he confirmed that my tear duct (lacrimal) will restore itself. The resident doctor was unsure since the rays were so close to one another on the chart. If the rays are over 30 then my duct would be permanetly ruined. Dr. Simpson came in and said since my right eyebrows are still in tact the duct is just fine. He jokingly said radiation could barely sneeze on the duct and it would shrivel. It is that sensitive! I was so glad to hear that my duct will eventually be OK.

Continue to pray for my right eye. At times they are bothersome almost sore or painful. I really would like to not be blind in about three years on just that side or have cataracts.

Today was a good day even after locking my keys in the van at a local store. Hey, I can laugh at the days to come and that is good. It is just locked keys. The police officer wasn't able to push the seal back on the door correctly. Hopefully super Dave can get it back to the right place. Sorry Dave my mind was thinking about doing the returns not my keys.

Stuart awoke crying due to not feeling well. He has a raspy throat and a minor cough. Pray this is a quick "under the weather" thing. Praise - No fever and eating fine!

My skin is red like a sunburn- not bad though! My brain does have a burning sensation inside. Burn baby burn. (talkin to the possible leftover cancer)

2 treatments left.

I think I can

Well only 4 more treatments left. Just like in the book The Little Engine That Could, I am saying "I think I can." That is to make it to this Friday. The little engine had never been over the moutain yet he was willing to try.

The mesh mask doesn't move it is a hard plastic. As stated before my chin hardly can move. The therapists did say I can bring it home as a keepsake on Friday. Hip hip hooray! Where am I going to store that lovely mask? Should I put it in my living room on the mantle? I think not! I don't like to dust as it is. Really it might be a good tool in a different setting. I am not sure but it will be kept in maybe a box in the basement.

No more of being locked in like this . . .

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:5 -8

Here are the Snodgrass superbowl fans! Notice that Carter & Cole made their own shirts. They were very proud. Yes, they are Dave's old t-shirts. The boys slept in them last night. Go Colts! That was the team the boys were rooting for. I think having Daddy growing up in that state made a big impact.

Tomorrow is Joe's last radiation treatment. A little bit of sadness for me. I think I will go over to the Hope Lodge after my 1:15 treatment to say goodbye. He mentioned to me last week of the great memories he has had at Siteman. I have to agree. Having Joe there has made the time more bearable for me. He has a doctors appointment on Wednesday so I know he is not departing ASAP like I would. If I had a jet plane that is how fast I would try to get home. I love you Siteman but not that much.

Dave is leaving for San Fran, CA tomorrow for a business trip. He will return on Celebration Friday. (Maybe a fun gift will be coming home with him. Valentines day is just around the corner. Hint hint sweetheart. I know . . . our money is going towards the ever incoming bills.) Soccer Gram & I will be holding down the fort. It is quite nice that Dave's company has him going during this freezing cold Missouri spell. I wish he could pack me. I have lost weight with all the change in my diet. I think I could fit. Snow is the only thing that would make it better. Snow on the weekend that is - for Carter snowboarding and Cole sledding. Mommy too!

Bought a bouqet of pink roses for myself today. Only $2.99 at Aldi's. What a deal!

Not just taking my hand but my heart

I am beginning to be thankful for the simple things about my body. Slowly I am being stripped of certain things. I am now looking forward to whatever hair grows back. Frankly I don't care what color and texture it will be - Just happy to have hair. I have much respect for breast cancer patients who have to lose all their hair. What agony. Also my right eye is frustrating. The dryness actually is a nuisance. It stings at times. I plan on asking if it will eventually be restored or has the RT fully fried it? My dream last night also showed me the blessing of having a having a durable vehicle. A vehicle is a blessing for that matter.

God has entered into my life to walk with me. He is not just taking my hand but my heart also on this cancer journey.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. . . . I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

Ecclesiastes 3: 11 & 14

This afternoon will be watching the Superbowl game. The older boys yesterday made their own shirts for the celebration. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a great picture to post for you.

Here are the Snodgrass basketball pros.

Fun Pictures for all to see

Christmas morning fun with the red wagon!

If you have already read the previous post be sure to scroll down and look again. I added more pics. I am getting more savy with my computer skills and this blog. I have attached some others here for you to enjoy! I just now had time to down load the my Christmas images along with Thanksgiving. Go figure I guess I have had other things taking up my time.

Cowboy Cole riding a horse on Thanksgiving Day.

6 treatments to go!

Kate and her new friend Joe!

Joe allowed me to take a picture and put it on my blog. I told him I wanted to be sensitive to the patient privacy act. So for the record, I did get his permission to post this for you to see. No worries. He is pleased today for he got all but one stitch taken out of his eye yesterday. The one stitch left will eventually dissolve on its own. I also brought him some yummy mini bran muffins from home to enjoy. I told him our whole family loves them. He was looking forward to going to his home in Poplar Bluff for the weekend tomorrow.

OK, I was pleased but a little shocked to get a personal phone call from my primary care physican, Dr. Sanders tonight. I had called this afternoon and left a message in regards to my blood work that was taken yesterday. I was asking him for a good hematologist. His nurse had already called and left a message. My concern was in the PT (blood clotting) test performed. I personally asked for that test. As you might remember I am prone to blood clotting. Anyway the test showed some thinning of sorts. One comment on the sheet from the Barnes nurse was "Is the patient on coumadin?". Realizing that flax oil is a natural blood thinner and that I am taking folic acid daily I wanted to get some input. Dr. Sanders asked for the numbers and said for me to take it up with Dr. Linette. He said I think you have enough doctors to worry about and that an oncologist knows enough about the PT factor. Good enough! I joked with Dr. Sanders that he really missed me that is why he called personally. He just hasn't gotten enough attention on the blog lately. Ha ha ha! Really I am thrilled he is my doctor.

As for the redness on my head it hasn't gotten any worse. I have been using the aquaphor and also some emu oil. Never heard of the oil prior to now. Thanks to Carol Snodgrass. I think it is helping.

My dry eye is well . . . dry. When I wake in the morning I need to put in my artificial tears. Continue to pray for my vision and lens. If I were to go blind in the right eye it would happen in about 3 years.

Stuart had a great day! I had my mom drop off Stuart at the DesPeres Lodge pool for water wagglers. We played and "swam" from 10:30 - 11:45. It was a great spur of the moment thing. Only $4! I am trying to get him ready for our upcoming trip to sunny Floriday in April. He was so tired that he fell asleep on the way home from the pool. Liliana, do you want to join us next Thursday? Tell your mom to email me.

Here is Stuart saying "CHEESE"

Carter was bummed that the snow melted while he was in school all day. He is praying that the next snow is big and comes on a Friday night. He wants to snowboard. As for Cole, he is my big first grade reader. Tonight while cuddling on my favorite chair he read to me. I love spending that time with him.

Tonight Jill, a grade school friend brought us a meal. It was good to catch up and I was so surprised a few weeks ago when I saw that she was going to deliver a meal. I never thought this blog would connect the dots to her. Actually it is amazing who has heard through this blog about the cancer. It was good to catch up after many years. A lot of time was spent together. We went to Bible camp and many times she came to my home for Thanksgiving. She only had a brother while I come from a family of 4 other siblings. Lots of commotion and activity were had at the farmhouse. I think sometimes she lived at my home more than hers. Lots of fond memories!

Dave and I hope to go away for one night after radiation is completed to pray and discuss our two options. I am looking forward to a hotel with a pool. All in all it has been a great day. I can say that no matter what is to come I have learned that this cancer trial has taught me to live day to day. It really is too big for me to do anything else. I jokingly tell some that it took brain cancer for me to learn to depend on the Lord daily for my every need. Boy I am a work.

Only 6 treatments to go! Kate