Wednesday, November 22, 2006

If, When & How?

I am stuggling about if, when and how would be a good time to tell Carter & Cole the seriousness of this tumor. I know my God is not dead. NO! He is alive! (it reminds me of the doughnut man song - for those of you who have kids - it is a oldie but goodie song) I fear in my heart for their future. (I was struggling with that yesterday at Chick-Fil-A.) They don't need ANY mommy. They need ME. My heart does ache. I know this is a normal thought. I am not afraid to die. I am confirmed that I will see Jesus. I also realize that God loves my boys even more than I do. It just hurts to know what trials they will be experiencing later in life if my life does not continue on with them.

I am reminded that I am not a statistic. I am in God's hand. I am confirmed that this cancer is treatable unlike the "big kahuna" GBM tumor. Most (35%) people with brain tumors have the GBM. There is NO effective treatment for that one. You're dead before they say a time frame. Dr. Linette was very positive in light of the dark words. No false hope was given. Even though the cancer is not a great one to have it isn't the Worst! Temodar has had great results with the other small percentage of brain tumors like myself. Age is on my side. For once, it is good to be 33.

This evening - Time with the extended family was great! Everyone had a good time on the wagon ride. Even Stuart noticed the stars & gave me big hugs while watching Uncle Charlie drive the tractor. He kept on saying "TracTOR". He loved every moment of it. Carter & Cole are sleeping soundly in bed tonight. They are worn out completely.

Tomorrow we will celebrate offical Thanksgiving with my siblings & their children. It truly is my favorite holiday.

I look forward to flying to Houston. I am sure I will think of a good blog title for that trip. I am already thinking of one. God is already paving the way to have our pathology slides express mailed to MD Anderson by Friday.

Love always & remembering God's not dead and neither am I.
Pressing ON!
Kate

12 comments:

Jack Collins said...

Kate & Dave,

Our hearts go out to you, and we are keeping you all in our prayers. May our God be your strength.

Jack, Diane, Joy, & Joseph Collins

The Hayes' said...

Dear Kate and Dave,
We have been praying for you daily and following the Blog since ‘Day 1’. You are in our thoughts constantly. In the midst of this difficult trial God has blessed you with great faith and a tremendous family of believers to hold you up in prayer. It is overwhelming. We praise God for His faithfulness and pray for his strength for you and the kids. He is in control and He is alive!

Susan & Mike Hayes


Ps 139:1-16

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (NIV)

The Kings said...

"God's not dead and neither am I."

Amen!

Aunt Julie said...

The Heart verses The Head
Kate,
After we got home from the hayride last night, I logged on to read your blog and I had no idea what you had just been through that morning at the doctors visit. I saw you sit by the fireplace and I could see the pain that was in your eyes and the burden in your heart. I honestly believe that your pain is not from the cancer, but your pain is in your love for your family and their futures. I got to thinking about the heart verses the head. Kate, I always had the brains to think up games when we were kids, however you always had the heart and determination to carry it through. (I was a big chicken). If I said Kate lets play house, you said okay, if I said Kate, lets climb a tree, you were already half way up. One day I asked you to climb to the top of a very large tree and without thinking you began your journey up the tree, until we both realized you were at the very top, in dangerous territory and neither one of us knew how to get you down. Kate I remember watching you in fear, holding on to that tree for dear life and crying at the top of your lungs. I also remember that I thought you were going to fall and die. I ran to go get mom and she stood there telling you to calm down and began to tell you to have faith to hold onto that tree and look at each individual limb as you made your way back down. I remember we would stand there and hear the limbs cracking under your feet and thinking this is it, but it wasn't, you would just find a another limb to stand on until finally you were back on the ground again. Quite frankly, I was never so happy to see you in my life. Kate, NOW is the time to HOLD on to that tree again, use your HEART TO GUIDE YOU and tell you what limb you can stand on to get you to the ground. Remember, some limbs are going to break under your feet, but God has another one you can stand on. I can honestly see why HE has given you brain cancer, HE knew your strength was in your HEART and not in your head. I will be waiting to see you on the ground. Jul.

Anonymous said...

Kate,

My heart is heavy for you and your family. Going through my dad's cancer struggle gives me a little clue of what you must be feeling. I just heard an unbelievable story in our chapel at the place where we met, WCA, yesterday. A Westminster student testified to how God had healed his mother. She was diagnosed with a grapefruit-sized tumor on her intestines. After being cured from that, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. After being cured from that, she was told that the original cancer has returned and metastasized to her liver (we all know that is NOT good.) Here's the good news . . . SHE IS CANCER-FREE TODAY!!!!!! You are DEFINITELY not a statistic! God hears, knows, and cries your tears with you. He is POWERFUL and ABLE to heal you! I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU ALL! Know that you are loved by so many, Kate!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Nicole Collett :)
Zeph. 3:17

Jennifer Schulte said...

Kate and Dave...Our hearts go out to you as you continue to deal with this journey. We are so sorry for the pain you feel. There is really nothing to say except that we are always thinking of you and praying for you...both of you, Carter, Cole and Stu...and your extended family. I do believe that you will know when the "right" time to tell the boys is....you will feel it in your heart and you will know the right words to use....God will guide you in that process! May God continue to bless you with strength and courage!! Love, The Schultes' Jen, Dave, and Hannah

Jennifer said...

Dear Kate and Dave,

I continue to follow your blog and pray daily for you. I've been sitting here typing and backspacing for five minutes...trying to find some words. I can't. My prayers are with you. May God bless you with His peace.

Jennifer Hughes

Anonymous said...

Dear Kate,
You amaze me. I loved seeing you in the carpool line this week with your cool hollywood scarf. I loved seeing you at the CCS Thanksgiving Feast. Ephesians 6:13 says, "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." The thing that amazes me about you, Kate, is that after you have done everything God has called you to do to stand your "today's ground", you stand some more. God's grace in you makes us love you and Him even more than we already did.
Love,
Shannon Hathaway (and Joel, Jonah, Isaac, and Zeke)
Happy Thanksgiving.

Anonymous said...

Hi My Sweet Friends-

I've been quiet lately on your blog, but very present. I check your blog several times a day and pray often. My heart feels heavy with the seriousness of your situation. I cry for you, and know that God holds each of our tears in His hands, and even weeps with us. I feel your hurt and fear for your boys - all 4 of them. I will continue to pray for great peace that passes understanding, wisdom that is from above, and courage to face each piece of news wtih grace and joy. When I feel discouraged with Libby, I tell myself to be so thankful that we live in this country and time. If we lived in Africa we would have never even gotten the joy of knowing her like we do - she would have died a few hours after being born. Ten years ago, no one would have even offered her the time she has had with us. It makes me feel TRULY blessed, even though people looking in might not see it that way.

Two business things. You might consider talking to a child life specialist from St. Louis Children's Hospital abut heloing the boys handle things. St. John's may have them too. They are specialists in child development and about talking to kids about tough things. They have been TREMENDOUSLY helpful to us for our boys, and now with Libby too.

We have lots of friends in Houston and a few medical connections. If you need help in any way, PLEASE let me know. We'd love to help in a real way.

Love, Gracie

Anonymous said...

Dear Kate and Dave,
I have thought of you and your family and prayed for you all countless times today (I have been EVERY day). Words fail me now, but I just had to let you know I love you guys, and I'm remembering you today.
Tiffani Gibbs

aunt dee dee said...

on thanksgiving eve, i felt okay; i had some hope for my sister. while in the living room, i had overheard dave talking to my mom (soccer gram) about that morning's visit to the doctor. i heard only snipets of the conversation; i heard only what i wanted to hear. i have always thought that my selective hearing was good, a par above the rest, but after 3 weeks with 3 boys i have perfected my ability to tune out the unnecessary, and tune in to danger, hunger, and footsteps after 9 p.m.

while sitting in the living room, tuning other things out, this is what my mind heard: "without treatment kate has four years." i thought: great, with treatment she could live longer, mayber until the boys are grown and in college, maybe until they have families and lives of their own.

it wasn't until later, while all the kids were on the hayride and a handful of grown-ups were sitting around the kitchen table, that dave restated the prognosis. all i heard this time was "four years with treatment." the knot in my stomach came back, along with a knot in my throat; my vision was blurred; the room and the faces inside of it were mishapened. for a few seconds, i slipped into a capsule where life was fast-fowarded fours years from now. i immediately added four years unto all of our ages: big c will be 12; middle c 10; and little stu 6. and then me, i will be 28. my mom will be older too.

when you're a kid, parents seem to freeze in age. you know that they are older than you, but that is how they remain. kids, on the other hand, grow expedientially. i've turned around for a minute, and found my nephews a foot taller; their vocabulary more extensive; their worlds more complex. recently i've turned around and done the same with my parents. i finally realized that my parents have aged right along with me. every since i've known my father, he's had gray hair. but recently it is white, and his hands have spots and they shake too. these are the things you begin to notice, even if the details have been there for quite some time.

i wish to see my sister grow older, for her hair to get gray a few years before mine. i want to be there when she beats this statistic, because i don't want to envision a world without her. i don't want to fast-foward or rewind. i want my nephews to have their mother in the most crucial time of their lives, which is arbitralily right now but also for the rest of their lives, when they graduate from college, when they marry and have children. i have to remember that kate has seen many milestones already, but most importantly i have to remember that four years is a number that a doctor has given us, and not a matter of fact. like kate said herself, "i'm not dead yet."

the Brasovs said...

Kate and Dave,

My heart is heavy and my eyes are full as I write this in response to your latest news. I know that you all are processing so much, so quickly. The words of Job to the Lord, at the end of his journey, comes to mind (the only verse that I'm grasping to write now):

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." Joh 42:2

I'm clinging to the fact that God cares intimately about each of you; more than you do, or can even possibly fathom. I'm trusting in his plan for each of your lives despite this development.

We love you,

Laura